UnNews:Osama bin Laden elected to local school board
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
24 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
PORTLAND, Oregon -- Osama bin Laden was elected to the Portland, OR school board Wednesday by a landslide margin. The leader of Al Qaeda pulled off a surprising victory over long-time school board member Ed Peach by staging a write-in campaign.
"Sure he may have killed thousands of innocent folks," says local parent Lars Larson. "But that was five years ago and plus it was in New York, so nobody in Portland really cares."
Beside pardoning him for the cold-blooded murder of thousands of civilians, Larson is impressed by bin Laden's credentials. "Clearly he has administrative skills. If he can organize an international terrorism network from a cave in Afghanistan, he can certainly get things done on the school board."
For PTO member Denise Richards, mother of three, it came down to trust. "Frankly I trust bin Laden more than that other guy. Peach launched a very mean-spirited smear campaign against Osama, saying that if we voted for bin Laden, we were helping the terrorists win. I personally don't care for that brand of politics."
Mr. bin Laden held a press conference shortly after Peach conceded the election.
"I am very grateful for the opportunity the citizens of this fine city have afforded me," he said. "My first priorities will be to purchase new text books, improve teacher salaries, and offer an expanded free and reduced lunch program. Oh, and death to America."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|