UnNews:Osama bin Laden dead, world celebrates
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Osama bin Laden dead, world celebrates
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 2, 2016, 17:58:UTC)(
2 May 2011
ALL AROUND THE WORLD, Planet Earth – Token semi-black guy Barack Hussein Obama II announced last night the death of token Arab baddie Osama bin Laden at the hands of some good ol' American troops. Immediately following this announcement, people went to the streets, waving flags, making loud noises, firing guns in the air, launching fireworks in random directions and chanting patriotic and anti-terrorist slogans.
Obama told the world "I was getting sick of people misspelling my surname as Osama, so I sent a couple troops to some place in Pakistan and let them shoot the guy in the head. Take that, Donald Trump." Osama bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, only a couple miles northeast of the appropriately named Pakistani capital Islamabad, was raided around 1:15 AM local time.
Soon after, Donald Trump requested a copy of Osama's long-form death certificate, in a hilarious attempt to get more Republicans and conspiracy theorists to vote for him. Trump was immediately backed by what was previously known as the "birther" movement. Obama has failed to respond to Trump's request up to this day.
While crowds gathered at Ground Zero and the White House to celebrate the success of their troops after struggling with failure after failure for a decade, a spokesperson for Vatican City stressed that "true Christians do not rejoice over a death." A clear reference to Pope John Paul II, who died after a long battle with Parkinson's disease and mumbling incoherently and who was beatified just several hours before Osama's death.
One notable popular culture phenomenon resulting from Osama's death is a parody of Katy Perry's song "I Kissed A Girl". It goes a little like this: "We killed a guy and we liked it. The taste of this merry bloodshed. We killed a guy, oh how we liked it. It felt so right, let's kill some more. Let's kill those Arabs tonight!"
In other news, a group of jihadists showed up with white flags, offering to surrender all their explosives and weapons. "We give up", they insisted. "We don't have any more reason to go on, now that our dear leader is dead." They were all tortured for information and the corpses were later dumped into the ocean.
- ↑ Only a small amount of birds have been reported as falling from the skies following the events.
- ↑ It was already after midnight in Pakistan, which will obviously lead to much controversy as to what date will be chosen for the "We Killed Osama Day" holiday.
- ↑ They're thinking about changing their name, but "deather" and "Osama truther" sound kind of awkward.