UnNews:Osama Bin Laden makes surprise visit to the United States
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
3 September 2007
CLEVELAND, Ohio -- Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden made a surprise visit to the United States today, where his Al Qaeda organization is waging an increasingly unpopular ideological war against freedom and democracy. The unannounced trip was shrouded in secrecy for security reasons; bin Laden was originally scheduled to fly out on Tuesday for a meeting with his financial backers in Saudi Arabia, but ended up leaving a day early for the American visit.
Bin Laden secretly left his cave complex in Pakistan's Waziristan province in the dead of night and headed to the local airport with a small entourage. Reporters for the trip were notified by Taliban spokesmen only 24 hours in advance and were instructed to tell only one editor about their trip. The Taliban militiamen overseeing security warned that "beheadings" would be in order for anyone divulging the plans ahead of time.
Instead of visiting high priority targets like New York City or Washington D.C., Osama bin Laden chose to land in the small city of Cleveland, Ohio, to highlight his displeasure with lack of progress by operatives in the larger cities, and to emphasize that he wants to strike fear into all of America, not just high profile locations. He was greeted on the tarmac by representatives of five local terrorist cells, and was quickly whisked away to a briefing at a nearby safe house.
The Al Qaeda leader got a mixed report on progress in the US. The organization hasn't seen major success since the 9/11 attacks in 2001, and several operations since than have been foiled. But, despite criticism, Bin Laden continues to insist that "the cause is just" and that terrorists will remain in the United States "until democracy is defeated, and until local militiamen can take over and perform bombings and other attacks on their own." He urged continued patience and deflected Taliban critics who say that Al Qaeda's focus should be on Britain, not America.
A briefing by the head terrorist in America, Ayman al-Zarawi, revealed that Al Qaeda still has a large presence in the country and that plans for future attacks are "in full scale development." Al-Zawaqi also indicated that "morale is high - very high." Yet the situation in America remains tense, as evident by the secrecy and high security of the trip. Bin Laden is scheduled to depart the country and continue on to Saudi Arabia later this evening, where he is due to meet with the royal family.