UnNews:Osama Bin Laden Found!

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Osama Bin Laden Found!

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Saturday, March 17, 2018, 16:51:59 (UTC)

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16 November 2006

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Osama before plastic surgery.

ALBERTONIA, Canadialand -- Osama Bin Laden was found today by a group of Canadian school-children who were on a field trip near the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan. Although he looked almost unrecognizable, due to extensive plastic surgery, a DNA test later proved his identity.

The "Worlds Most Wanted Man" was, ironically, flying a light plane when one of the school children caught his attention by allegedly pissing on a large picture of the Muslim prophet, Muhammad. Bin Laden then, consumed with rage, doubled the irony by accidentally flying his plane into Al Qaeda's central headquarters. The headquarters is now being dubbed, quite predictably, by several stale news "personalities" as the "World Terrorism Centre." No please, my sides are splitting.


Osama Bin Laden after Surgery

The Canadian school children are now being accused of war crimes by Amnesty International after several reports from viglitante Pakistani Intelligence agents claim that "....most of the terrorists in that terrorist camp were children."

President Bush retaliated to these allegations in a statement this morning saying "The thing about Pakinstani Intelligence....are that they isn't intelligent...like me. I guess I could say they're an oxycontin...sorry....oxymoron, Condoleezza will be out here soon with some specifics..."

The Pakistani government released an official statement earlier today but, unfortunately, no one paid attention.

The children were greeted as heroes when they got back home for "upstaging those f**king Yanks." The FBI gave them the $25,000,000 prize for finding Osama which they, purely out of patriotism, were forced donate to the Prime Minister of Canada.

The greatest terrorist that ever lived is now dead, but is the war on terra really over, only time will tell.

edit Sources

We've run out of conspiracies, by Jane Fonda, Hawaiian Marxist Review, Liberal Media Publications. 17,18,1999

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