UnNews:Orphans Across the Country Mark a Somber Mother's Day
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Orphans Across the Country Mark a Somber Mother's Day
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 29, 2016, 21:17:UTC)(
14 May 2006
(St. Cloud Orphanage, Vermont) Orphans all across the United States marked what is one of the saddest holidays for them today - Mother's Day. The day marks the beginning of "sadness season", which culiminates on Father's Day next month. Lacking both parents by definition, orphans are especially reminded of their cruel fate on this day.
While normal kids happily bring bouquets of flowers to their living mothers, little Timmy somberly delivered a handful of orchids to his mom's grave at the local cemetary. "She died in a tragic tractor accident on the farm 9 years ago," reveals 12 year old Timmy. He is joined at the grave by his 10 year old sister, who doesn't even remember her mother.
Officials in St. Cloud's orphanage in Vermont can offer little to cheer up the little bastards. They air a lot of episodes of "Futurama" though, in which one of the main characters, Leela, was brought up in an orphanerium. "But that takes place in a fictional future," comments Father McKenzie, "The conditions at our institution are much worse."
Little Billy is even worse off than little Timmy - he doesn't even know who his mother is. The nuns found Billy at the doorstep of the orphanage when he was just a baby - no one knows who delivered him there. Sister Theresa says that she is "like a mother" to Billy, "except for the breastfeeding part."
Ever since watching the movie "Cider House Rules," the children are hopeful they'll be adopted by a loving family, but statistics show only 10% of abandoned kids find foster care before the age of 18. "Once they reach that age," explains Father Moynahan, "we kick them out to make room for new orphans."
Hallmark is trying to cash in on the niche orphan market by creating special greeting cards just for Mother's Day. The cards are meant to be given to the kids, not by the kids. They contain messages such as "I'm terribly sorry your mother died in a tragic tractor accident", and "You might not have a mother, but I am sure you dad still loves you. Oh, wait, you don't have a dad either - sorry."
We here at UnNews want to wish all the moms out there a happy Mother's Day, and want to express our sympathy for all the orphans who have lost their mothers in tragic tractor accidents.