UnNews:Orangutang claims to father Smith baby
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Orangutang claims to father Smith baby
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 14:46:UTC)(
17 February 2007
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Miami, FL -- In a move which stunned the American legal community, an orangutang filed a brief in court today, claiming that he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child. The orangutang, named 'Bobo', is a resident of the Miami Zoo and says that he only wishes that his rights as a father and a monkey be respected.
"Of course I'm the father", said Bobo during an exclusive UnNews interview this afternoon conducted in sign language. "Anna and I loved each other. At least for a good 30 minutes".
American legal analysts are flabbergasted. "This is an outrage", claimed Noah Fence of the firm Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. "It's never been done before. The only primates that can sue in an American court are PEOPLE. Who does this monkey think he is?".
On the other side of the aisle, animal rights activists were ecstatic that the case was not thrown out of court. A spokesman for PETA told us that, "It is about time that someone recoginized that we are not the only species on this planet. This is just the beginning. Soon, inter-special custody battles will be filling our courtrooms."
When asked about DNA compatibility, PETA has this to say in a written statement. "We believe that copulation between people and orangutangs is a natural and beneficial evolution of our society. As a consequence, it should be understood that our DNA is fully compatible and even more so in Anna Nicole Smith's case. After all, didn't you always think she looked a little bit like a monkey to begin with?"
Bobo was absolutely stoic about the whole controversy. "I only want two things", he said during the interview. "First, I want the money that is left over so I can raise our child in the way that Anna wanted. I will use it to buy her all the bananas, sugar cane, and tire swings that she wants. Secondly, I want everyone to know that I also slept with Anna. She was an animal in the sack."
|title="Orangutang to Anna's baby - Who's