UnNews:Optimus Prime Murdered
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Optimus Prime Murdered
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 29, 2017, 17:22:UTC)(
The mutilated body of Optimus Prime was discovered this morning in a garage in New Jersey. Police currently have no leads to the culprits but state the murder appears to be drug related. Several kilos of methamphetamines were discovered in an abandoned semi-trailer outside the garage which is believed to have belonged to Optimus Prime. "It looks like a classic drug drop gone bad" said Police Commisioner Jablowski.
Authorities had been investigating Optimus Prime for months regarding suspicions of drug trafficking. "We knew he'd been running meth, smack and mojo beans for the Hell's Angels, but we could never catch him with the stuff" elaborated Comissioner Jablowski. The murder was exceptionally brutal. Evidence suggests that Optimus was tortured for hours before finally being riveted to a cross and left to die. "Somebody obviously wanted him to suffer" explained the Commisioner.
Optimus Prime received some notoriety for starring in a late night infomercial during the mid nineties, but he was most famous for being the world's biggest Jerk. "One time I was just driving down the highway minding my own business. You know, singing along to the radio and enjoying myself when out of nowhere comes this big red semi tractor. All of a sudden the damn thing just sort of...stood up. Right in the middle of the highway! I had to veer to avoid hitting it. Spilled my coffee all over my latest issue of Pandas In Latex Quarterly. What a jerk!" recalled one bystander who wished to remain anonymous. Similar accounts of his legendary jerkishness became so common that Pendant Publishing collected many of them into the now famous book Optimus Prime: Why Is He Such A Jerk?.
While authorities have no leads they have promised to investigate the murder thouroughly. "We'll make a couple phone calls after lunch" said Comissioner Jablowski. "If we don't turn anything up before dinnertime I guess we'll ask Jeeves. That guy seems to know everything". Longtime life partner Starscream is satisfied with police efforts. In a statement released to the media Starscream explains "I think they're doing everything possible to catch his killers. I'm not sure though, I haven't really been paying attention." Megatron could not be reached for comment.