This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
1 January 2011
LOS ANGELES, California -- Television personality, writer, patriarch, therapist, money launderer and serial philanthropist Oprah Winfrey will host the final episode this week of her long-running daytime distraction before launching her own television network, OWN. The final show will have a star-studded list of guests, including many well-known personalities made famous by their previous appearances on Oprah as up and comming stars.
The audience will be made up of audience members from previous shows who have attended at least 150 tapings of Oprah's seven hundred thousand episodes and who suffer from general insecurity and unemployment. Oprah will give everyone in the audience dozens of free gifts before each comercial break, including cars, gigolos, butter cookies, and giant plasma screen TVs preset to receive only one channel: OWN.
Ms. Winfrey, during the all-important serious-and-touching segment of the show, is expected to scream and yell at disgraced author James Frey once again before he rips his own eyeballs out in repentence. This will add controversy to an otherwise lukewarm and expectedly empty show-content.
Dr. Phil, during a special segment, will then solve the current Middle-East conflict by teaching Muslims that Zionists have feelings too, and convince the Iranian president Ahmadenijad to stop insulting world leaders and learn to listen, communicate and open up. The two will then make out broadcasting rubbing mustaches together for the first time on daytime television, one last "Oprah first". She will then give everyone in the audience free breast implants.
The show will end with Oprah proclaiming sockpuppet President Barack Obama the winner of the 2012 re-election--who, in the spirit of generosity, will then give everyone in the audience their own television show to help complete the many empty slots on her debuing network.
While Oprah's new network is expected to be heavily criticized before its first broadcast, the daytime diva is unafraid. "The whole point of the network is to make money, subjugate white people to black politics, and to build a strong platform for solving problems by giving people the illusion of knowledge and flaky soloution-ing. I'm just focusing on tomorrow's show and practicing my smile" Oprah said while consuming a bucket of chicken and about twelve of those greasy rolls with the new and improved gravy. The extended nine-hour-long show airs tomorrow and has already won 12 Emmys, two Grammys, and garnered generally favorable reviews by lonely housewives.