UnNews:Oprah buys Weight Watchers

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Oprah buys Weight Watchers

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, August 18, 2017, 11:01:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

20 October 2015

Oprah

Ms. Winfrey has filled the gaps in her capital assets.

CHICAGO, Illinois -- Media giant Oprah Winfrey has spent $43 million on a giant stake in Weight Watchers, Inc. and will get a seat on its Board of Directors, as soon as company carpenters can arrive to reinforce it with titanium struts.

The financial move led to an instant doubling. That would put Ms. Winfrey at about 410 pounds (29 stone). Wall Street experts said this move was caused by a "short squeeze," which occurs when investors in Las Vegas place large bets on the parley that Ms. Winfrey would not buy up the company, then have to duck and "cover."

Weight Watchers sells in supermarkets several varieties of low-calorie microwaveable meals which would help consumers lose weight, except that the typical American fattie wolfs down six at a sitting. Weight Watchers also operates a network of weight-loss workshops. The bottom line has been skinny in recent years, as the government has mandated that all products carry a nit-picky table of Nutrition Facts on the side, and lately, a photo of a scowling Michelle Obama on the front to further kill the appetite. The workshops have likewise been faltering as the First Lady attempts to transform the entire United States into a didactic course on healthy living.

Ms. Winfrey already owns a faltering cable TV network and a faltering vanity magazine. Acquiring Weight Watchers will complete the product line and take advantage of her proven ability to operate faltering businesses. Observers say her endorsements have boosted the sales of products and books she mentioned on her show, as well as identifying a key audience that cannot distinguish content from advertisement.

Candidates in the 2016 Presidential election were quick to copy Ms. Winfrey's move, except for Bernie Sanders, who said he wouldn't be caught dead investing in America, and Donald Trump, who already owns everything anyway. Hillary Clinton immediately bought a 10% stake in the firm Felons 'Я' Us.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects