UnNews:Oprah Winfrey opens South African starfucking academy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
3 January 2007
"I wanted to give these children the chance to pursue dreams they would walk over nails for," Winfrey said at opening ceremonies for the school. "I rose out of poverty by reminding Julia Roberts how good she looks, and so can these girls."
Located a few miles south of Johannesburg, The Oprah Winfrey Starfucking Academy will teach 152 students to value themselves and value movie stars and singers even more. The students, all of whom come from impoverished families, will learn speech, television production and comparisons of Bono to Jesus Christ.
"In the United States and the United Kingdom, even a minor star like Dane Cook can count on 10 people lining up to tell him what a genius he is," Mandela said. "But I, the leader of the resistance to a racist, undemocratic regime, have only three people willing to acknowledge my greatness. Oprah, you are a godsend."
"No, you are," Oprah teased.
Students were delighted by the opening.
"Just being here is a cause for me to celebrate," said Cherie Ngucka, an 11-year-old from Cape Town, who wants to host her own talk show one day. "Thanks to Oprah's generosity, I will fulfill my lifelong dream of meeting Cedric the Entertainer and Lucy Liu.
The project has already inspired other entertainers. Footballer David Beckham will open a "Soccer Clinic for the Poor and Metrosexual" in London's Shepherd's Bush neighborhood next month. Singer Kylie Minogue announced plans last week to open an school to help Aborigine children become big-titted pop stars.
- Jacobson, Celean "Oprah demands you acknowledge how good Whoopi looks ". Washington Post, January 3, 2007