UnNews:Opening Ceremonies Fixed

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8 August 2008

Beijing - In a shocking revelation that rocked the Olympic world, athletes and administrators alike accused China of rigging the opening ceremonies of the XXIX Olympiad.

The first indication of opening-ceremony results-rigging came when the "official" spectator poll was compared to Western internet polls. Whereas the Chinese-controlled poll showed 3% of spectators attending the ceremonies thought they were “impressive,” 5% “very impressive,” and 92% “exceedingly impressive,” an MSN poll of TV viewers found rather different results:

  • excellent... 2%
  • good... 5%
  • fair... 8%
  • poor... 4%
  • so boring I turned them off... 11%
  • didn’t watch them... 14%
  • there’s an Olympics on?... 56%

The official Chinese state response was, "Obviously, you had to be there." Later, it was revealed that the fireworks, the highlight of telecast were computer generated in an attempt to sway the MSN poll. A day later, further details leaked seemed to implicate the Chinese government in employing hackers on steroids to generate these graphics. As stated by Fox News, this is an organization connected to the June 2007 corruption of LOL. As of yet, no one has been arrested in connection with the corruption of LOL. Members are known to enjoy blowing up yellow vans, terrorizing scientologists, and frequenting ebaumsworld.com several times daily.

Soon after this, questions were raised about the timing of the ceremony's beginning: at precisely eight minutes past eight on the eighth day of the eighth month, 2008. Eight is considered to be a lucky number in China. The president of the French Olympic Committee registered a formal complaint. "It's not fair," he commented. "Eight is their lucky number. But in the Western world, seven is generally considered to be the luckiest number. Clearly they are trying to give their athletes an unfair advantage."

Several athletes claimed they noticed Chinese judges passing each other nonverbal signals during the ceremonies. "Can you believe that?" asked an Australian aquatics competitor, under condition of anonymity. "The events haven't even started and already they're cheating." A Kenyan middle-distance runner added, "I'm convinced that singer Liu Huan was under the influence of something, singing on top of a humongous globe like that. I'll bet she never even had to provide a urine sample."

Eyebrows were further raised when several Greek athletes said they noticed a recognized figure skater in the massive Chinese contingent of athletes parading at the ceremony. "Are they covertly planning a figure skating event at the summer games?" asked a Greek weightlifter. "They could run a host of winter sports, and no other nation would even have its winter athletes in the country. They'd win gold, silver, and bronze each time."

The Canadian Olympic Committee carefully observed the ceremonies for anomalies, in preparation for the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver. "There is no way we're going to be caught dead cheating at our opening ceremonies," stated the head of the COC. He denied saying "the key is in not getting caught." But already the Vancouver games plans are under heavy scrutiny. "Just what is an Inukshuk?" retorted one Chinese official. "Isn't that a Canadian good-luck charm? And just what do they put in those rocks anyway?"

The investigation is ongoing. IOC officials are also looking at whether China is rigging seating arrangements, cheering sections, and concession stands.

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