UnNews:Open season on sad clowns begins
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Open season on sad clowns begins
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 22, 2017, 23:27:UTC)(
8 August 2008
Abandoned Three Ring Circuses Sad clowns shuffled pitifully into heavily wooded areas around the world today as clown hunters began the yearly event that lasts for 379 days and warps the fabric of space / time. Sporting traditional sad clown hunting attire, a typical clown hunter can be seen in the fringes of one's perception, usually with a thermonuclear bomb or an oversized, well worn mallet.
"I plan to nuke a big one this year, " local sad clown hunter Dick Cheney said dreamily, "you should have seen the size of the shoes on the clown I blasted last year. One thing is for sure - they'll be another rubber nose on the wall of my den by September."
Sad clown hunting is a rigorous mental and physical activity that begins by identifying the clown you intend to kill and then tracking it, sometimes for days, through thick underbrush until it stops to juggle, create balloon animals or otherwise attempts to entertain children. Then, the state of the clown must be established. If the clown is happy, a dedicated hunter will convince the clown through a series of subtle messages that nobody likes him. This often involves complex clown calls such as the distant sound of children being entertained. Sad clowns are simply terminated on sight as tradition dictates.
"I'll never forget the last clown I turned," veteran clown psychologist Mr. Hyde cackled, "I recorded by son playing Playstation III for 12 hours, During the recording, I kept asking my son, 'Want to go to the circus?' Well of course he said no every time, at least once a minute. After spotting a happy clown contentedly miming in the forest, I played the tape for less than an hour and watched as his makeup began to run, streaming from his face in red rivulets. Eventually his transformation was complete and I shot him straight through the head with a cannon. I still have his shoes of course and I'm having them stuffed."
Sad clowns, a detriment to society, have long been hunted to control their numbers but seem to re-appear after each season. This year a special bulletin has been released to hunters to warn them of the higher numbers of sad clowns who alter their appearance for a 'happier edge' even in times of great desolation and sadness. More difficult to spot, these hybrid clowns are often unveiled by the sound of their honk. A brisk, multi-tap honk from a clown guarantees that the clown is still happy. A single, drawn out honk will betray a sad clown, regardless of appearance.
Hunting licenses for sad clowns are free, provided that you kill more than one.