UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters

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Letters to the Editor and Columns.


UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Editorials and a feedback column. Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the intelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares. For those of you who don't remember newspapers, OpEd is short for Opinion Editorial.[1][2]

  1. No, it isn't. It means the page opposite the editorial page. That is, OpEd means exactly Columns, Mr. Redundancy. Signed, SPIKE
  2. Oh, piss off you anal-retentive amateur librarian. Signed, Zim_ulator
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Reductio ad Hitlerum:
Guest editorials by notable figures, such as Sarah Palin, Jesuszilla, etc..

UnNews Column Reductio ad Hitlerum by guest columnist SARAH PALIN - The lame-stream media is very lame
Sad palin

Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters.

As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media.

Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. more...


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UnColumns

UnColumns:Chuck Norris - Secularism: the single greatest threat that America has ever faced
Norrislogo2

Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris, founder of the Chun Kuk Do school of Tang Soo Do Chopsocky, as well as wearer of the 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master in Tae Kwon Do, another of indeterminate color for Machado Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, rainbow suspenders for Tai Chi and a white apron in Tex-Mex cooking. Known as "the Bruce Lee of martial arts movies", he starred in films like Missing in Action (1984), Missing in Action II: The Missing Strikes Back (1985), and Missing in Action III: Return of the Missing (1988) before playing a Texas Ranger named Walker on the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger (1993-2001). He is also the author of The Justice Riders, a novel about justices who justly dispense justice, guided by their Conservative Christian worldview (the bedrock principles on which America was founded by the Founding Fathers, who founded America on the bedrock foundation of Conservative Christian principles), as they ride. In 2007, Chuck gave the commencement speech at Falwell's Liberty University. Five days later Jerry Falwell went to the Lord. The two incidents are unrelated.

He endorsed Mike Huckabee in 2008 in his bid for president. In return, Huckabee endorsed him in the All-Texas Chili Cook-off. Norris' entry placed third. more...


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OpEd

UnNews Editorial:Jimbo Wales is, in my opinion, an elitist asshat
Jimmyjimmy

Uncyclopedia is proud to present a special editorial from Glenn Fitzgerald, author of the best-seller Why The National Socialist Party Still Pisses Me Off. Glenn is the senior editor of The Daily Weekly Times, but is currently on loan to us here at UnNews. When he isn't too busy vandalizing his own online biography, Wikipedia "founder" Jimbo Wales puts on a shirt to cover his bushy chest and actually leaves his house to do what he thinks is contributing to the world.

Ones of these self-inflating ego boosts he did recently was attend the "Changing Media Summit 2010", hosted by The Guardian. I attended the summit, being a highly respected senior editor of daily periodical, with high expectations of intelligent debate and original ideas, only to witness Jimbo Wales spewing his diarrhea of the mouth. Among the things of which he commented was that dying media known as the newspaper. It seems ol' Jimbo isn't too big on opinion pieces. One would immediately assume he simply doesn't want any competition to cut into his monopoly on personal bias and inaccurate information in place of objective fact, yet that doesn't seem to be the case. Straight from the horse's mouth:

Cquote1 I find that the best of the political bloggers are easily equal of the best opinion columnists at the New York Times. I don't see the added value there and I question whether newspapers should be paying large sums of money for that anymore. Cquote2

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ATBF

UnNews Column: OpEd on ATBF OpEd ATBF section
0000gandalf

Art? Science? Techno-prowess? What is this new form that beckons us to say, "Cool!"? Language gets folded into the stripgenerator.com batter and all hell breaks loose. Now a mind can get it's hands dirty, and still, none of us are probably the wiser.

The Janitorial Editor owes you an explanation. ATBF stands for "All Things Bat Fuck". Not sure what that means? I'll tell you what it doesn't mean:

“OpEd - An 'editorial' is an opinion piece written by the senior editorial staff or publisher of a newspaper or magazine. Editorials are usually unsigned and may be supposed to reflect the opinion of the periodical. Additionally, most print publications feature an editorial, or letter followed by a Letters to the Editor section. In major newpapers, such as the New York Times and the Boston Globe, editorials are classified under the heading "opinion".”
~ Wikipedia on OpEd section

This column also performs a function dear to my heart; it is a place to put pictures I like with a caption which is generally unrelated to the picture and the article itself.

“I know what it is, and if it isn't, it might as well be.”
~ Bubba Ho-Tep on the Cabal
Embrace the revolution

By revolution I'm not talking about some Che Guevara state of affairs, with rifle fire and and ideology. This more of a thing like that other thing we were going to have before we started. The programming language Brainfuck comes to mind.

Headphone

Hyenas are crucial to this operation.

ATBF is a mayonnaise-related peek into the scene behind the scenes, the mind behind the mind, of what's happening now. Do not confuse this new special section of UnNews with ATBF Cartoons; those are just stupid. more...


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Janitors Closet:
Bitch, piss, and moan at your Janitorial Services Editor.
Click here to submit your letter

Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here?

Suzy Creamcheese

Dear Ms. Creamcheese,
Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid.
Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism.

Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,

The Editorial Stiff

Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al.
So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!!

See ya around, trolls!
JGordon

Dear JGordon,
As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists.
If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera.

Hygienically yours,

The Editorial Stiff

Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig.

CE8eYGaz

Dear CE8eYGaz,
I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor.
Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers!

Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,

The Editorial Stiff


Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Why are you such a Nazi fuck? You're like Mussolini, telling everybody to shot the fuck up. I hate you. You suck. You can't tell me what to do.

A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned & Stupid,
I've been inspired to write an article about a twat who invokes Godwin's Law, without having a clue as to it's meaning. Oh, wait... that's you! Invoking Reductio ad Hitlerum as a way to bolster your argument makes you look like an idiot [1]. You're obviously one of those self-important, mewling douche bags trying to pass as insightful and above the judgment of others. We're on to you, buddy. This is a community, dickbag. Disrespecting admins, like disrespecting anybody in general, will ultimately make you the loser. The only real difference, as far as you should be concerned, is that I and other admins can ban you permanently if I feel like it. Fair warning; stop being such a dick. Cheers!
P. S. I'm the pretentious douche bag around here. Got that?
  1. Concerned Citizen singing the praises of reverting Admins

Janitorially yours,

The Editorial Stiff

Dear Janitors Closet,
Why don't you just fuck off and die?

Dear Reader,
Why don't you.

Janitorially yours,

The Editorial Stiff



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