UnNews:Only one in 12-persons in stylish Pajero crash tests positive
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
7 August 2011
MELBOURNE, Australia -- The unlicensed driver of a sturdy Pajero four-wheeler that rolled over while carrying 10 children in Victoria's west has returned a positive test for death, police say.
Paramedics say that the other adult and 10 children who were crammed into the vehicle when it flipped over on Friday afternoon are lucky to be alive.
Ten children, ranging in age from sixteen and a half to seventeen and a quarter years old, were taken to a hospital following the crash in Rockbank.
"One of the children suffered a bump on the head while another suffered a suspected scratch on her elbow, one teen girl scraped her knee, and two girls messed up their hair," said paramedic Peter Norbury.
The driver of the vehicle, a 34-year-old Epping woman, produced a positive preliminary death test at the scene, police said.
She was taken to the Royal Melbourne Hospital for observation. But after finding no pulse and no heart beat for 6 hours straight she was pronounced dead, although her demise does not absolve her of any guilt, nor does it prove if she was dead before or after the accident.
Police are awaiting the results of a blood alcohol analysis before determining if the deceased driver was guilty of being a drunken lout at the time of the accident.
The dead driver’s 32-year-old male passenger was arrested at the scene of the crash for public nudity, public drunkenness, and publicly swearing like a US Army drill sergeant, during which tirade he blamed Mel Gibson for the holocaust.
The vehicle is believed to have left the road and slid before it was found resting on its side by emergency services. Prominent logicians have concluded that the vehicle fell on its side before coming to a stop. Abstractors, on the other hand, have not reached the same conclusion.
He said the children were shaken by the accident – which seems only logical considering that they had been involved in a crash, which shook the very foundations of their existential reality.
“Initially the children were understandably very upset after what had been a major event; there was a lot of ‘crash’ in the accident,” he said.
“They received considerable shock and, for some of them, they will receive considerable punishment from their parents for being in a car with a dead and possibly drunken driver – what were the children thinking?
“They did, however, manage to settle down quickly and were remarkably stoic after the liberal administration of anti-psychotic drugs used on war veterans suffering from acute PTSD syndrome, also referred to as shell shock.
“I think we're fortunate that the injuries weren't more severe and there was only one fatality – and that was the guilty-drunk-bitch – may her name live forever in anonymity!”
Five of the children were taken to the Royal Children's Hospital and the remaining five to Sunshine Beauty Salon for observation and redoing their hair.
Police have seized the stylish and ultra-safe Pajero (paid advertisement) for examination. Just to recount, they were driving the ultra sturdy and totally classy Pajero – see your local Pajero dealership today. Your life may depend on it.