UnNews:Olympics to take place in Tibetan battle grounds "for an added thrill"
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Olympics to take place in Tibetan battle grounds "for an added thrill"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 24, 2016, 17:30:UTC)(
26 March 2008
BEIJING, China -- The official committee for the forthcoming 2008 Summer Olympics has decided that the games will not be taking place in large sports arenas as originally planned. Instead, the games will take place in the middle of the heated Tibetan revolutionary protests, as a means of making the games "More exciting, more violent, and more awesome than ever before."
The Tibetan anti-Chinese demonstrations began earlier this month to commemorate the 49-year anniversary of the last time people protested a Communist regime, and the Communists showed their compassion for The People by blasting the protestors off the face of the earth. So far, 2,000 Chinese military men have been sent into Tibet with tear gas and tasers to fight off the eight or so Monks who are protesting thus far.
"We initially thought that this massive protest would impede our plans for hosting the Olympic Games," says Qin Gang, a Chinese foreign minister, "But then we got a brilliant idea. Assuming that the protests will continue into the summer, we could hold the Olympic Games right in the middle of the turmoil!" A number of nations have endorsed this as a potentially thrilling change for the normally rather unexciting, nonviolent Olympic Games.
"Olympic soccer is usually marginally interesting," continues the minister, "But picture this: A soccer game played IN THE MIDDLE of a crowd of violent protestors being suppressed by violent policemen! It will be all the fun of soccer, with the added challenge of trying to dodge flying rocks, bullets, and hopefully small bombs! It'll make for fantastic television!"
The founder of the Drunk Olympics, John Paul George Smith, has also expressed interest in holding the next annual Drunk Olympics, scheduled to take place at roughly the same time as the regular Olympics, in the same fashion. "Yeah, a bunch of drunk people trying to do sports would be even MORE awesome in the middle of a violent struggle between protestors and angry policemen," says Smith. While he hope to hold the next Drunk Olympics in Tibet, this might not end up happening; the organizers of the next Drunk Olympics are of course highly intoxicated, so they are having difficulty finding Tibet on a map. The actual events might end up taking place anywhere from southern Japan to northern Minnesota.
If these Olympic games are a success, they could set a new standard for the Olympics. Rumor has it that the United States has considered holding the 2012 Olympics within the depths of Iraq, which would certainly make for some high quality entertainment. Some advertisements for these Iraq Olympics are already in the early stages of print: "Imagine the excitement of a bicycle race, but with the added thrill of roadside bombs!"