UnNews:Olympics over; men's field hockey players return to their shame-holes

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Olympics over; men's field hockey players return to their shame-holes

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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15 August 2012


It's their own fault for playing a game using this dorky-ass thing.

LONDON, Great Britain -- With the extinguishing of the Olympic flame, male players of the strictly women's game of Field Hockey have all slunk back into their hermetically sealed protective underground holes in undisclosed locations, hidden from the shame associated with their little game until the games return in 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

While the Dutch, Argentine and British women's field hockey teams are openly celebrating their medals, the men's players have left the Olympic village with their heads and medals covered in abject shame for having participated in such a prissy little quote-unquote "sport". Noone knows who medaled in the competition, which suits the players fine, enabling them to sneak unseen away into their protective shelters.

Men's Field Hockey Inter-Olympiad Shelters, or "shame-holes" as they are informally called, have been available to the players who choose to use them for nearly 100 years. Even so, after past competitions, some of the players attempted to re-enter society between Olympiads, going home to try to live their daily lives, taking their children to day care and shopping for groceries, under the impression that the anonymity of their pursuit would be sufficient to protect them. However, inevitably they would be out shopping for shoes or something and they would unexpectedly encounter an unwelcome Olympics nerd who would loudly out them to other shoppers, and they would be immediately shunned, ridiculed and disdained. But for the past three Olympiads all men's Field Hockey players have chosen to forgo that embarrasment and crawl back into their hideaways until the arrival of the next Olympic games.

"They have Nintendo here," said one player, who wished to remain anonymous, but will not because what an idiot you were for interviewing with us at all, Jan Philipp Rabente. "And plush cushions."

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