UnNews:Oliver Stone poised for success with upcoming revisionist film

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2 April 2008

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Josh Brolin (below), cast as the president, contemplating the weight of tackling such a bold acting frontier. Director Oliver Stone (above), contemplating whether of not he could eat an entire cow in one sitting. Oh, and that president guy is there too.

The much lauded, facially-afflicted film director Oliver Stone is scoring major points with the Hollywood’s elites after early screenings of his latest masterwork, simply titled W. According to Miramax VP Solomon Goldstein-Klienblat, “the film is a wonderful portrayal of that schmuck-putz president. Stone has a head full of Afghani hash, and a heart full of butterscotch…or gold, I suppose would be more appropriate a sentiment maybe…”

Such high regard is being showered upon the hulking bulldog filmmaker for his detailing of the widely unpopular US president George W. Bush. Following a precedent (no pun intended[1]) set in his previous films like Nixon and JFK, Stone has brought the burden of rewriting history squarely to his forefront.

“It’s no easy task, making shit up for my own motives and amusement,” explains Stone, whilst munching on a tube of raw cookie dough, occasionally pausing to puff from the hose of his 5-foot hookah. “You’ve got to think of particularly incriminating falsehoods that still remain within the scope of plausibility. Luckily this dickhole of a president is an easy target, and when nobody likes you, the history pretty much rewrites itself.”

While other movie men have tackled blatant falsehood, Oliver Stone is considered the godfather of modern cinematic misrepresentation and factual skew. His altogether warped representation of president John F. Kennedy’s assassination in the film JFK is, according to fellow portly pepperpot Michael Moore “…one of the reasons [I] got into the half-truths business in the first place.”

According to Stone, revisionism is a highly favorable market to movie fans the world over. “Everyone loves to make up over-the-top tales about all the outlandish shit the president has done, you know, his crazy history, his crazy interest in this God fellow” Stone comments. “So I’m just like, ‘why not put it on celluloid and present it as hard fact?’ I’m a fuckin’ genius!” And a hungry one at that; Stone excused himself shortly thereafter to attend an eggroll seminar with his personal sushi chef Yugi.

In a prior interview regarding the factual inaccuracies in his film Nixon, Stone had this to say about altering history to suit the tastes of his target audience: “Come on asshole, all the greats did it. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini. Look how popular those guys are with the youth of this generation! They wear their faces on t-shirts made in Taiwan for God sake!” Stone then excused himself to attend a prime rib seminar with his personal carving chef Johann.

The public is anxiously awaiting the films debut; internet buzz has already began circulating heavily. According to a 16-year-old from Nebraska: “BUSH SUX LOL TIS MOVIE IS GUNNA B SO FUKK1N GOOD!”[2]

Others on the internet have taken a slightly different approach to the film. According to a 21-year-old from Florida: “Yes, the president has made massive mistakes, mishandled this country greatly, and was poorly suited to his position of leadership. Nothing new there, and now its finally coming to an end. Does that give Oliver Stone the right to grossly misrepresent the man’s life? NO, DUMBASS.” This comment was then lambasted with great fervor.

UnNews had the privilege of attending an early screening of the film in Hollywood. And while the film does in fact suck terribly, no one can deny the amazingly realistic simulation of the truth the picture portrays. This reporter has no doubt that all 100 minutes will be well received by all.[3]

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  1. …or is it? HAHA!!
  2. Coincidentally, this commentary was made by an Uncyclopedia contributor.
  3. Especially Jon Stewart, who will undoubtedly masturbate to it regularly.

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