UnNews:Oliver Larch found after 116 years
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Oliver Larch found after 116 years
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 31, 2016, 02:35:UTC)(
12 February 2009
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Oliver Larch's mysterious disappearance in 1893 was a dilemma for generations, locals still tremble when they hear the name spoken.
Last night however, while on duty parked in the alley with a hooker, officer KJ Thomas found a weird passageway beside the alley, after paying the hooker and pulling up his pants he follows the alley to a nearby basement where he immediately recognized the body of Oliver Larch hidden in a fridge.
Police report stated that Oliver, a hide-and-seek addict, apparently found the perfect hideout where no one could find him, the sheriff said that Oliver was also smart enough to cut himself into smaller pieces and put them on the shelves so as to fit in the fridge and fully close the door but little did he know that the fridge does not open from the inside (try it and see, it doesn't open) and therefore he was locked inside ultimately dying from an unbearable urge to scratch his head but his hand was on the highest shelf while the head was down in the vegetables section.
Officials were glad for the discovery and stated that they have no reason to suppose a murder took place, "everyone has his day" a police spokesman was quoted saying "Oliver's was in a fridge".