UnNews:Old Man Winter stubs toe
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Old Man Winter stubs toe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016, 17:18:UTC)(
30 December 2006
According to Nate Turner, who was traveling through the region via dogsled on his way to catch the early morning aurora borealis show, the gigantic Old Man Winter nearly tripped, setting off 4.67895’s worth of seismic activity that “rattled the penguins and nearly awakened a hibernating polar bear.”
A nearby resident, Mrs. Claus, said that her husband, Santa, who was “trying to get a little shuteye” after setting a world’s record by circumnavigating the world in a single night and breaking and entering most homes in North and South America, Europe, and Australia, was disturbed by Old Man Winter’s disturbing behavior.
“If this keeps up,” one of Santa’s elves predicted, “Santa will probably petition President Bush to replace Winter with Jack Frost.”
After unleashing a stream of profanity, which crashed to earth as frozen icicles, Winter froze part of the North Sea before turning south to initiate a cold front across northwestern Canada and several cold spells across the Pacific Northwest.
“I don’t think it’s fair to make us suffer,” Microsoft’s Bill Gates declared, “simply because he stubbed his toe.” Winter responded to Gates’ outburst by freezing the mainframe computer at Gates’ corporate office in Seattle, WA, and asked him (rhetorically, it is hoped) whether Gates thought that if he, Winter, were to make it cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, such a temperature would have any adverse effect on Gates' anatomy.
As a result of his frozen mainframe, the computer magnate was out-moguled by his one-time ally Steve Jobs, of Apple-polishing fame, in securing multi-billion-dollar weather-tracking-and-manipulation program contracts with various federal organizations.
The cause of the accident in which Old Man Winter stubbed his toe, according to the soon-to-be-paroled (maybe) Dr. "Mad Jack" Kevorkian (a. k. a. Dr. Death) is “frozen eyelashes”: “I’ve seen Winter before,” the death-dealing doctor said, “and his eyelashes are the size of icicles; frozen, they could shut off his vision entirely, causing him to trip over an igloo or even a much bigger house, such as a prison.”
Although the murderous physician hesitated .04 second before offering a tip to the giant, reluctant to offer medical advice without first seeing his patient and thereby earning a fee (and possibly parole), he finally suggested that Winter “cross the Bering Strait, as it’s farther south and we could use another land-bridge to help the dying reach America and my aid, should I be paroled in time to assist them. That, or he could swallow a few grams of the poison of his choice and chase it with a little turpentine, kerosene, or, possibly, formaldehyde, if he happens to have any on hand.”
Old Man Winter is reportedly taking Dr. Kevorkian’s advice under advisement. Meanwhile, he’s preparing an arctic blast for the Dakotas and, possibly, Wyoming.