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5 January 2008
OKLAHOMA CITY, America's Heart(burn)land– Oklahoma City Mayor and presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee has been dieting, and he wants his constituents to do exactly the same. As a result, Huckabee has placed a comprehensive ban on all food in Oklahoma City. Fatty fast food vendors and Starbucks were the first to go, with supermarket chains soon following with a systematic destruction of all edible products. Other items, such as rubber, grues, and household pets have been included in the ban, leading to a number of protests by angry PETA members citing abuse of animals which were destroyed in the purge. As a result, animal activists have been classified as "un-food," and thus are permissible to be eaten in the city. The state of Oklahoma, of course, following the lead of pretty much every other backwards red state, has no laws prohibiting actions such as cannibalism or incest.
"It's always easier to do something hard if you have other people forcing you," said Huckabee to raucous applause during his acceptance speech at the recent Iowa Caucus (which he lost, by a considerable margin, to svelt and sexy Mormon Mitt Romney). Huckabee's campaign believes that re-vamping his image might lead to a win in California, the largest state holding its primary in a month on "Super Bowl Tuesday" and the one with residents who most value the health scene of fitness, organic foods, and anorexia.
"There is more to America than the Left and the Right," said Huckabee in his address, a clear reference to his significant horizontal bulk. "People want a leader who is vertical, focused on moving the country up."
This motivation provided the impetus for his unconventional, but visionary, health plan for Oklahoma City. Oklahoma had been named one of the top 10 most obese states in the country, and Huckabee hopes that a halt on all eating will lead to residents reaching his goal of losing 1 million pounds in 2008, or at least knocking off some of the worst offenders.
Huckabee's base of supporters, evangelical Christians mostly, find religious meaning in their leader's new policy. "We were out-eaten 15 to 1 by the Mormons in Iowa," said Mary-Jo Greengrass, a Huckabee fan wearing an "I Like Mike" t-shirt stretched across a plentiful bosom and midriff, "And Romney still looks better!"
Criticized in a number of attack ads by the Romney camp for this controversial move, Huckabee intends to "stay positive." "The people of Oklahoma have proven that their loyalty can't be bought through the power of the purse," he said proudly. "Now, their stomachs can't be either."
The move seems destined to failure, as food has been a major staple of Oklahoma's post-BCS bowl loss ritual until March, when the football season "kicks into gear again" (Oklahoma is one of only three states to consider spring football "kicking into gear"). Early predictions suggest food may be smuggled in via current meth trade routes, though experts won't rule out the possibility Oklahomans won't be able to secure the food, as every nearby state hates Oklahomans almost as much as they hate Texans.