UnNews:Oil slick contaminated by wildlife

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

10 May 2010

Nice oilslick

The Gulf oil slick: bigger and more fragrant than Arizona.

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana -- Reports emerging from Louisiana last night suggest that American oil, extracted from beneath the so-called Gulf of Mexico, is being contaminated with wildlife.

Last night's TV news coverage included shocking scenes from the area in which an oil-slick the size of Arizona can clearly be seen being polluted by the corpses of up to 100 different species. A spokesman for Texan oil company Sludge-Co said

"This is an act of sabotage. Any goddamn fool knows oil floats on water and yet many of the animals despoiling this oil are deep-sea species living tens of metres beneath the waves. Why the Hell is the federal government letting them come up there and spoil our God-given petroleum?"

Brent Peterssen, a spokesman for the Florida Wildlife Service confirmed that some of the wildlife found luxuriating fatally in the oil were not strictly sea-creatures at all.

"Pelicans are birds." he confirmed. "They can fly - but only in the air. And yet we've already dragged over a thousand of them out of the oil-slick. It's beginning to look like deliberate vandalism on behalf of the pelicans. We estimate that there are at least another five thousand of them out there, miring our oil with their filthy feathers."

Already, the rotting bodies of marine mammals and sea-birds are beginning to wash up on otherwise pristine oiled beaches in the area. Tourism organisations across the southeastern states are reporting that holiday-makers have already begun to cancel breaks in the region due to the harrowing experience of watching greasy manatees wallowing in self-pity and chemical-dispersant near the shoreline.

BP, who were leasing the Deep-water Horizon rig at the time of the explosion, have made frantic efforts to rescue their oil from organisms bent on its destruction. In a spate of feverish construction they fabricated a 98 ton chamber which they have begun to lower a mile down to the sea-floor. This, it is hoped, will funnel an estimated 200,000 gallons of pure oil to the surface daily, by-passing the schools of leatherback turtles lurking in the area in the hopes of befouling it.

Oil-bird

Wallowing in self-pity, and petroleum.

"It's bad enough there are 11 dead guys down there just lying in it," said chairman Sir Crispin Cuspthwaite-Anstruthers. "But we're doing all we can to avoid letting non-mammalian contaminants get in on the act."

Speaking from the White House, President Barack Obama cast doubt on BP's efforts to maintain the integrity of the oil-slick in the face of sustained biological attack;

"Let us not forget that it was only five years ago that BP exploded its own refinery in Texas City. That single event incinerated over one million gallons of oil that we may otherwise have floated down to Galveston Bay."

Louisuiana State Governor Pierre LePew added:

"This is British Petroleum, let's not forget. We didn't kick those Limey sons of bitches outta here in 1776 just so's they can come back and waste our oil on otters 'n shit."

UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
Personal tools
projects