UnNews:Ohio family completes celebration of WASP Thanksgiving
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Ohio family completes celebration of WASP Thanksgiving
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 10:45:UTC)(
23 November 2007
SECOND IN A TWO-PART SERIES
SHAKER HEIGHTS, Ohio (UNN) – As millions of American’s sit back and digest hundreds of thousands of pounds of triptafan laced turkey, Mrs. Edwin Standish of Shaker Heights, Ohio instead chose to relax with a copy of the newest edition of the Society of Colonial Dames Magazine in the Wintergarden room at her tasteful, yet quiet home east of Cleveland, Ohio.
“Overall I would say that this has been a pleasant day. The weather was lovely given the time of year, and the food was suitable for the holiday at hand,” commented the wife of retired investment banker (and descendent of Mayflower guardian Miles Standish) Edwin Standish.
The family, which chooses to dine at the Shaker Heights Country Club instead of eating their Thanksgiving meal at their residence, welcomed their children Robert, Paige, Melissa and their respective families for the meal.
"Our son Charles, who is referred to as 'Chip' (as in 'chip' off the old block by his old man) also joined the family while taking a break from his doctoral studies in biomedical engineering from Harvard University," added Mr. Standish in a written statement prepared and read by his wife.
“With the exception of the surprise arrival of our son Bruce and his friend Master John, all went according to plan,” stated Mrs. Standish. "Thankfully the Club was able to find seating for Bruce at the Teen Table; Master John made quite a splash at the Matron’s Table."”
The family was seated promptly at 12:30PM (with Bruce and his surprise visitor arriving at 12:31PM) in the formal dining room at a table with a "splendid view of the course, and dined on watercress salad, crème of cauliflower bisque, roast turkey, baked potato, green bean almandine and cranberry relish. For desert, in lieu of the traditional pumpkin pie, the country club pastry chief offered the family a variety of desserts including pumpkin mousse topped with royal jelly infused whipped crème; Pecan tort, featuring tender sweet coconut flakes collected by Hawaiian virgins; or Jell-O jewels in the festive shapes of the Mayflower, a turkey and Squanto for the children.
“Those Jell-O jewels bring back all sorts to terrific memories,” commented Bill Standish, the rakishly good looking eldest son.
Topics of conversation included the golf course redesign, daughter Melissa Standish Dalrymple’s big news that another grandchild is on the way for Mr. and Mrs. Standish, and the effective use of black leather and chains on Master John’s person. Only one sour note was struck when Paige Standish-Creighton spotted her sister-in-law Mrs. Robert Standish in the ladies room stuffing sealed toilet cake-odorizers into her purse. “I felt that it was best to pass Consuelo a small note informing her that I was aware that an instance of indiscretion on her part had occurred. Had I brought it up at the table it just would have resulted in a very unpleasant situation.”
Afterward the men (including Master John) separated from the woman to enjoy a cigar in the Men’s Grille, and the women retired to the Ladies Day Room to chat about whatever it is that polite women chat about. For the children, crafts were provided in the country club sub-basement, while son Bruce split off from the group to rekindle his friendship with Club Tennis pro Sven Svenson in the men’s sauna.
At 4PM (EST) the family reconvened in the Hunt Room for their official Christmas greeting photograph. At 4:05, the family then visited the cloak room, and then the party moved to the Valet Waiting Lounge where they bantered in unscripted conversation and waited until each family member’s car was brought for their departure.
Following a superficial kiss on each cheek or a manly slap on the back, the children and grandchildren left for their respective hotels and Mr. & Mrs. Standish returned to their home to call Mrs. Standish’s mother who has been bedridden since 1950. “She really is a remarkable woman and knowing her has been very fulfilling,” comment Mrs. Standish.
“It is pleasant memories such as this which will fortify both Edwin and I in the coming months,” reflected Mrs. Standish. “In other countries other traditions such as head hunting or the overthrow of legitimate monarchies are followed, however we find that our approach to Thanksgiving just work best for us.”
The family will gather together in December for WASP Christmas observations at which time presents and small monetary amounts will be exchanged in the holiday tradition, along with the consumption of goose.