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10 September 2006
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BATAVIA, Ohio -- The Ohio State University Buckeyes have soundly defeated the reigning National Champion University of Texas Longhorns in a collegiate couch and automobile burning match. The evening began with an amateur football game which acted as a warm up to the real competition, which consists of a competitive attempt to light on fire as many stray pieces of furniture as possible. This victory makes them the front runners for the National Championship, which would be their second in 5 years. Said Ohio State coach Jim Tressell "It's important to our kids, to our school, and to our state to get out there and show the Nation how we set things on fire at OSU." Texas coach Mack Brown says, about the victory "It's like our lighters weren't even working out there. This is truly a sad day for semi-professional arsonists all over the great state of Texas."
The game, between the Nation's number 1 and number 2 schools, was not even a close contest. Ohio State soundly trounced their Texan foes, lighting over 240 couches in 3 hours, compared a mere 70 for the Texans. This win came in Texas' backyard, in the flammable city of Austin. In a post-game press conference, Texas coach Mack Brown said that he believed the main reason for the loss was "...our unwillingness to light couches that may belong to friends or relations. In a game like this, you can't think of who that couch might belong to. You've got to light that fucker and run." Ohio State's leading arsonist, Troy Smith, left us with these final words: "Coach said if we went out there, and we just went after those couches, we would go home with a victory. As usual, he was right."