UnNews:Officials warn of holiday attacks; no one cares
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Officials warn of holiday attacks; no one cares
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 26, 2017, 13:10:UTC)(
18 December 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Popular terrorist troupe Al-Qaeda is planning suicide attacks in the United States and Europe during the Christmas holiday season--but, as nearly as this venerated news outlet can determine--no one cares.
The information is part of the top-secret caché blabbed all over creation by media giant WikiLeaks. WikiLeaks disclosed debriefings of U.S. and NATO soldiers who obtained information from captured militants in Iraq. They told their captors that Christmas, 2010 was the key date. (In fact, they referred to it as "the holiday season.")
However, Seamus O'Muhammad, the Threat Assessment Officer at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, refuses to bump up the colorful Threat Indicator. "Orange is where it's been at for 34 months, and Orange is where I'm keeping it." One reason may be UnNews staff research, which reveals that, although hired for his volunteer service to the Democrat Party, Mr. O'Muhammad was the original "boy who cried wolf," immortalized in the children's story. Thus, it is readily evident why he would resist sounding another possibly false alarm.
In spite of his refusal to raise the official terror-alert color-code color, Mr. O'Muhammad indicated that the United States remains at a high level of vigilance, especially given what happened last Christmas near Detroit. Further crack staff research reveals this to be a reference to the failed attempt to rob a gas station by a Hispanic female.
Despite the unofficial panic and the official denials, the general public appears to be completely uninterested in the possibility of holiday terrorist attacks. Joshua Green, an unemployed videogamer from Manitowoc, Wisconsin, said, "Obama was supposed to deliver hope and change. The Tea Party is supposed to deliver hope and change. The Arabs are going to deliver suitcase nuclear warheads. I'm not buying any of it!"
And some U.S. Army personnel see an even worse threat. "Loose lips sink ships," intoned Col. Tony Stark at the Strategic Air Command. "We see not just WikiLeaks but any unauthorized disclosure of truth rather than our official line to be a grave threat to the national security."
- Staff "Official: Al Qaeda is planning U.S., Europe attacks for holidays". CNN, December 18, 2010