UnNews:Obummer "honored" by New Guinea tribesmen's "heartfelt gift"

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Obummer "honored" by New Guinea tribesmen's "heartfelt gift"

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

UnNews Logo Potato
Monday, August 21, 2017, 10:38:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

4 March 2014


WHITEWASHINGTON, DC -- To show their admiration and "unity" as men of color with U. S. president Barack Obummer, New Guinea tribesman have given Obummer a "heartfelt gift" that some, especially whites, might consider downright bizarre, but which both the president and the First Lady consider "sweet": a koteka, or penis sheath.

The funnel-shaped phallocarp, which is also known, among some tribes, as a horinm, is a painted gourd. It is "held in place" by a "primary" fiber loop that, fastened to the sheath's base, loops around the presidential scrotum, while a "secondary" loop wraps around the chief executive's abdomen. Properly fitted, the sheath maintains an "upright position," which, simulating an erection, symbolizes the wearer's masculinity, virility, and physical prowess.

Similar sheaths are worn by South American--and, yes, African--tribesmen. According to the White House, Obummer's father owns several, although none are as "fancy"--or as long--as his son's twelve-inch koteka.

Obummer's sheath is decorated with feathers, shells, and beads, and, like many, it is also painted. The president's koteka is lavender, in recognition of his passionate advocacy of gay rights, and it bears the seal of his office, the American bald eagle, clutching in its right talon a fig leaf, in lieu of the traditional olive branch, and, in its left talon, an unrolled condom, instead of a bundle of arrows.

Apart from headhunting, the cannibalistic New Guinea tribesmen are peace-loving and diplomatic, and they did not want to include a symbol of war (the arrows) on Obummer's koteka.

They substituted the fig leaf for the olive branch, their chief said, because that's what God designed for Adam, and they wanted the president's sheath to be "divine," too.

After all, as his nation's president, his koteka symbolizes the manhood of all Americans, male and female alike.

Personal tools
projects