UnNews:Obola: Quarantines to be scientific

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Obola: Quarantines to be scientific

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30 October 2014

Ebola bumper sticker

Americans may quarantine themselves on November 4 to avoid feeling itchy and faint after voting for either party.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obola has insisted that any quarantines against the West African epidemic be based on science and not have too many waivers, exceptions for influential Democratic Party donors, backroom deals with friendly governors, and loopholes for citizens who threaten Civil Rights lawsuits. The devotion to science is so important, he said, that they must be seen to by politicians and lawyers and not scientists themselves.

As state governors and the Army impose their own quarantines, Mr. Obola insisted that any national quarantine be voluntary. He said restrictions on returning health care workers could discourage them from volunteering in Africa. By comparison, jacking up the minimum wage and mandating free health care didn't discourage anything, especially as many mandates were postponed until after next week's election, and sending an order to the printer for 30 million Permanent Resident cards won't induce anyone new to jump the border.

Nurse Kaci Hickox, who spent the weekend in an isolation tent in New Jersey eating granola bars, said "I'm not willing to let my civil rights be violated when it's not science-based." Thousands of U.S. servicemen who spent the weekend abroad in tents eating MREs sympathized with her, as did dozens of Ms. Hickox's neighbors back in Maine, who insisted that they have an equal right to become infected. "Their fear is not based on medical facts," said Norman Siegel, who as one of Ms. Hickox's lawyers, would be an expert. Ms. Hickox prefers a system of "self-reporting," like that used by Manhattan victim Dr. Craig Spencer, who denied traveling until caught by New York City's copious government spy cameras taking the train out of the Cradle of Liberty to go bowling in New Jersey. The owners of the bowling alley advocated "self-fumigation," but it is too late now, as the Feds shut it down as a precaution against the virus, which cannot be spread by casual contact so no one has to worry.

The White House Counsel has advised that a national quarantine might be unconstitutional, violating the Fourteenth Amendment under the modern interpretation called Disparate Impact. As people living in West Africa are overwhelmingly black, the law cannot discriminate against that region, but would have to quarantine even tourists returning from North Dakota. In fact, the Counsel said, the virus itself might be unconstitutional, and called for a vote of scientists, to make it scientific.

Mr. Obola's opponent in next week's election, the Republican Party, has decided that there is no "national issue" in this fall's campaign but will recapture the Senate based on the sheer likability of their candidates. Senate leader Mitch McConnell has promised the CDC all the money it wants without having to divert the funds from the agency's other public-health issues such as gun ownership and the LGBT stuff, and House Speaker John Boehner is preparing a coherent package of budget changes for the nation's ten-year plan that will take effect in 2024 and 2025. These plans will also be published right after Americans finish voting.

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