UnNews:Obituary: Some user, 8 December 2005-20 March 2006
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 March 2006
| Some user|
Rest In Peace
|Real name:||He who tirelessly edits crap|
|Term began:||8 December 2005|
|Term ended:||30 March 2006|
|Born:|| circa 1960|
Washington D.C., California
|Died:|| 20 March 2006|
We lost Some user only days ago, but we have missed him for a long time. We have missed his kindly presence, that reassuring tone of his typing, and the happy ending we all had wished for him. It has been ten years, give or take ten years, since he said his own farewell; yet it is still very sad and hard to let him (or her) go. Some user belongs to the ages now, but we preferred it when he/she belonged to us.
In a life of ironic fortune, he valued above all the gracious gift of his fans, who will remain anonymous. During his career, Some user passed through a thousand crowded forums; but there was only one person, he said, who could make him lonely by just leaving the room. Sadly, he never actually said who that was.
Wikiland honors you, Uncyclopedia, for the loyalty and love you gave this man on a wonderful journey, and to that journey's end. Today, our whole community grieves with you and your families. Mainly because it’s laundry day, and inevitably socks will always get lost no matter how attentive you are but also because we like to pretend we care.
When the sun sets tonight off the coast of Wikiland, and we lay to rest our father of Unpsychlopedia, a great Uncyclopedian story will close. The second son of Whatsherface and Thatguy user first knew the content-free world as a place of random edits, quiet discussion pages, stupidity-lit rooms, and mowers pushed by that Creepy guy who lives across the street. If you could go back to the Uncyclopedia of 2005, you'd find a nOOb of unknown gender and age writing horror stories such as Veil of smoke and mirrors, or running with his fellow writers, PP, along Sarcasm River, and coming home to a little house of the old man down the street. That town was the kind of place you remember where you prayed side by side with your neighbors, and if things were going wrong for them, you prayed for them, and knew they'd pray for you if things went wrong for you, all the while knowing that God would answer those prayers, eventually. Hopefully. If you were worthy, but most likely you weren’t. You and your neighbors were content just to comfort yourself in God’s word.
The user family would see its share of hardship, struggle and uncertainty. And out of that circumstance came a young (or possibly old) man (or possibly woman) of steadiness, calm, and a cheerful confidence that life would bring good things. The qualities all of us have seen in Some user were first spotted years ago. As a waterboy for the Washington Redskins, he was the protector keeping an eye out for dehydration. As a Squeegee Warrior on QuoteUnquote, he was the friendly influence that made you see the quotes as he did. As a writer, he was the handsome, all-Uncyclopedian, good “guy”, which, in his case, required knowing his place -- and being himself and/or several other people, we’ll never really know for sure.
Along the way, certain convictions were formed and fixed in the man. Some user believed that everything happened for a reason, and that we should strive to know and do the will of God or Cthulhu or Allah etc. He believed that the gentleman always does the kindest thing. He believed that people were basically good, and had the right to be free, or at least fairly inexpensive. He believed that bigotry and prejudice were the worst things a person could be guilty of. He believed in the Golden Rule, and in the power of prayer, although he rarely used it. He believed that Uncyclopedia was not just a place in the world, but the hope of the world.
Some user spent decades in the film industry (mostly porn) and in wikipolitics, fields known, on occasion, to change a man or even a woman. But not this man. From Washington D.C. to Des Moines, to Hollywood to Sacramento, and back to Washington, D.C., all who met him remembered the same sincere, honest, upright fellow. Some user's deepest beliefs never had much to do with fashion or convenience or even common sense. His convictions were always politely stated, affably argued, and as firm and straight as the columns of St._Peter's_Basilica.
There came a point in Some user's writing career when people started seeing a future beyond the writings. The actor/writer, Christopher Walken, recalled one occasion. "I was sitting around the set with all these people and we were listening to Sommie, quite absorbed. I said, 'Some, have you ever considered someday becoming Sysop?' He said, 'Sysop of what?' 'Sysop of Uncyclopedia,' I said. And he said, 'What's the matter, don't you like my writing either?'" (Laughter.)
The clarity and intensity of Some user's convictions led to speaking engagements around the world, and a new following he did not seek or expect but totally wanted. He often began his speeches by saying, "I'm going to talk about controversial things." And then he spoke of communist rulers as slavemasters, of a government in Wikiland that had far overstepped its proper limits, of a time for choosing that was drawing near. In the space of a few years, he took ideas and principles that were mainly found in journals and books, and turned them into a broad, hopeful movement ready to govern. Then he realized how stupid it all sounded and wrote Everybody cares.
As soon as Some user became Uncyclopedia’s best writer, observers saw a star in this modest and helpful man. In March of 2006, his friend, God, wrote, "user is indisputably a part of Uncyclopedia, and he may become a part of Uncyclopedia history."
Some user's moment arrived in 2005. He came out ahead of some very good men, including one from California, and one from Indiana. What followed was one of the decisive decades of the century, as the convictions that shaped Some user began to shape the times and his waistline.
He came here with great hopes for Uncyclopedia, and more than hopes -- Some user matched an optimistic temperament with bold, persistent action. Sur user was optimistic about the great promise of stupidity and immatureness reform, and he acted to restore the reward and spirit of enterprise. He was optimistic that a strong Uncyclopedia could advance the peace, and he acted to build the strength that mission required. He was optimistic that liberty would thrive wherever it was planted, and he acted to defend liberty wherever it was threatened. Even as Liberty was bending him over and raping him from behind, Some user kept his composure while uttering his most famous words, “Owww, Dude! That hurts!”
And Some user believed in the power of truth in the conduct of wiki affairs. When he saw evil camped across the horizon, he called that evil by its name. Then, that evil said, “wasn’t me, bitch.” There were no doubters in the prisons and gulags (mainly because most of them were killed), where dissidents spread the news, tapping to each other in code what the Uncyclopedia gobshites had dared to say. There were no doubters in the shipyards and churches and secret labor meetings, where brave men and women began to hear the creaking and rumbling of a collapsing empire. And there were no doubters among those who swung hampsters at the hated wall as the first and hardest blow had been struck by Sur Some user.
The ideology he opposed throughout his wiki life insisted that history was moved by impersonal ties and unalterable fates. Some user believed instead in the courage and triumph of free men. And we believe it, all the more, because we saw that courage in him.
As he showed what a leader should be, he also showed us what a man (or woman) should be. Some user carried himself, even in the most powerful “office”, with a decency and attention to small kindnesses that also defined a good life. He was a courtly, gentle and considerate man, never known to slight or embarrass others. Many people across the country cherish letters he wrote on his own keyboard -- to Uncyclopedia members on important occasions; to old friends dealing with sickness and loss; to nOObs with questions about his days in Templateland.
We think of a man advancing in years with the sweetness and sincerity of a Scout saying the Pledge which, ironically, is pretty gay. So, instead we think of that grave expression that sometimes came over his face, the seriousness of a man angered by injustice -- and frightened by nothing. We know, as he always said, that Uncyclopedia's best days are ahead of us, but with Some user's passing, some very fine days are behind us, and that is worth our tears.
(Pause for fellow users to squeeze out some tears and ignore knocking noises and muffled shouts of "I'M NOT DEAD, YOU ASSHOLES! LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" from coffin.)
Uncyclopedians saw death approach Some user twice, in a moment of violence, and then in the years of departing light. He met both with courage and grace. In these trials, he showed how a man so enchanted by life can be at peace with life's end. And where does that strength come from? Where is that courage learned? It is the faith of a boy who read the Bible with his mom and listened to ABBA with his dad. It is the faith of a man lying in an operating room, who prayed for the one who shot him and the little boy with cancer in the next bed and before he prayed for himself. It is the faith of a man with a fearful illness, who waited on the Lord to call him home.
Now, death has done all that death can do. And as Some (no middle name) user goes his way, we are left with the joyful hope he shared. In his last years, he saw through a glass darkly. Now he sees his Savior face to face and is no doubt utterly surprised and mildly disappointed.
And we look to that fine day when we will see him again, all weariness gone, clear of mind, strong and sure, and smiling again, and the sorrow of his parting gone forever.
May God bless Some user, and the wiki he loved.