UnNews:Obama vows to rename Gitmo

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30 January 2014

Bo-claps

President Obama placidly applauds his persuasive Teleprompter

Editor’s rejects:

WASHINGTON DC -- President Barack Obama used his State of the Union speech Tuesday to put new candy-coated hyperbole behind his drive to rename the Guantanamo Bay prison, raising the issue before Congress for the first time ever. Obama even suggested changing the name from Guantanamo Bay Prison to Ronald Reagan Prison in a futile effort to placate the Republicans.

“With the Afghan war a complete victory, and Iraqi and Libyan successes tucked under our belts, this needs to be the year Congress lifts any restrictions on renaming the prison at Guantanamo Bay – because we counter-act terror by renaming things, and setting that example for the rest of the world,” Obama read, according to his ingenious Teleprompter.

The President’s mention of Guantanamo Bay during the speech was notable, partially because it was never mentioned in his four previous State of the Union addresses, and also because any discussion of the subject is a reminder of one of the most overtly broken promises of Obama’s presidency: Change.

“Guantanamo Bay will be renamed the ‘Ronald Regan Enhanced Torture Chamber’ or RRETC (pronounced "retch") no later than my last year in office,” Obama declared as he signed an executive order on the very first day of his presidency, although he never made such a pledge in front of Congress.

But now that the subject has finally been breached, pundits opine that renaming Guantanamo in 2014 may face significant complications, such as having to fill out the required paperwork and bribe the local Cuban officials.

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