UnNews:Obama vows to hunt down Easter Bunny; find eggs
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Obama vows to hunt down Easter Bunny; find eggs
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, October 3, 2015, 10:16:UTC)(
10 April 2009
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama took Good Friday as an opportunity to refocus the War on Terror to the Afghanistan front. "The real terrorist mastermind is the Easter Bunny, and everyone knows he is not in Iraq", the President boldly declared. Shifting policy from the previous administration, he ordered for all U.S. troops withdrawn from Iraq by 2011, but for new units to be sent to the Afghan nation.
"Many have neglected the hunt for the Easter Bunny - some even don't believe in him - , but not me," Obama assured, "and I know he is hiding out in one of those mountainous caves, quite possibly with his stash of Easter Eggs." The President vowed to eradicate the eggs as well. "Yes we can", echoed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, announcing that her department has developed an informative pamphlet that will let everyone participate in the Easter Egg hunt. "All Americans can help in the fight against terror," she said. The pamphlet, among other things, describes how Easter eggs can be distinguished from regular eggs by being colorful.
Members of George Bush's administration, including ex-Vice President Cheney himself, scoffed at Obama's plan. "We cannot neglect Iraq - I am certain there are still Easter eggs there that we haven't located," said Cheney, despite that fact that the United Nations and its international egg panel concluded there were no Easter eggs in Iraq. Zoologists further argued that it's "impossible" for the Easter bunny to live in Iraq because of the climate. One expert explained, "the weather is just too hot and arid. Bunnies need a cooler climate, and the caves of Afghanistan are perfect burrows for the dangerous animal."
The President's plan is facing some criticism even from his fellow Democrats. Some say that the White House should be more focused on the dire economy. But Obama shot back that hunting the Easter bunny is part of the economic recovery plan. "Our farmers can't compete if the bunny's eggs are spreading around the world for discounted prices. How can our plain, white chicken eggs compete with the fun, colorful Easter eggs?", asked the President rhetorically.
The Pentagon is already drawing up strategies to put the President's plans into action. At a Pentagon press conference, theater commander Fudd announced that America's armed forces "sthand weady to twack these wascals whewever they twy to hide." Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says that "all options are on the table, including the use of metal spoons to crack open suspected Easter eggs." The military, however, remains silent on the matter of torture. Animal rights organizations have blasted the United States for allegedly cooking, salting, and even "deviling" Easter eggs in the past.