UnNews:Obama to supporters: "I will solve mystery of Dead Man's Cove"
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
5 November 2008
Chicago, Wednesday A victorious president-elect Barack Obama surprised many when, in his victory speech, he turned away from such familiar themes as hope, change and cooperation, and said that the main focus of his administration will be solving mysteries.
"Since the dawn of this great nation, there has always been a legend of a sea-monster in Dead Man's Cove," said Obama to the thunderous applause of his supporters. "But recently the number of sightings of the creature have increased!"
"People of America, we must look deep into our hearts and ask, why? Why has the creature been seen so often so lately? Why always on a moonless night? And why always in the vicinity of Smuggler's Cave?"
As the cheering of the crowds became more muted and pensive, he continued. "I put it to you that there may be wicked deeds afoot in Dead Man's Cove. I promise you all, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Native American - I will get to the bottom of this!"
"But not only of this!" The cheering continued to rise in volume as Obama's voice became more impassioned and commanding. "People of America, people of the World, the Mystery of Dead Man's Cove is far from the only problem we face! As a nation, we must also put behind us the Riddle of the Empty Hangar, the Puzzle of the Haunted Zoo and above all the Conundrum of the Ghosts of Chinatown!"
With the cheering dying away into uncomfortable silence as he adjusted his deerstalker hat, he continued. "The solutions to these problems will not come from committee meetings in Washington! It will come from a one thing and one thing only - hard sleuthing. I thereby propose to buy a secondhand RV and travel around this country with my cabinet and our wisecracking talking cat "Watson" and solve these and other mysteries faced by everyday Americans!
"May God bless America, and may He reveal to us the identity of the Phantom of the County Fair!"
Reaction to Obama's speech was mixed.
"Obama's got his priorities all wrong." said conservative
geezer pundit Bill O'Reilly. "Sure, we all want to know whether that's really the ghost of Quickdraw Tex that's been terrorizing the people El Paso, or whether it's just a cover for a smuggling ring. But that's what the FBI is for. As President, Obama should be concentrating on what matters - finding and detaining the Vampire Quaterback before the Rose Bowl."
"It's good to see a president with his head, like, in the right place, man." said liberal commentator and hippie Norville "Shaggy" Rogers. "For too long the uptight Washington establishment have been, like, scared to get their hands dirty helping out Joe Scoobysnack."