UnNews:Obama to sell oil spill as "job creation"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Obama to sell oil spill as "job creation"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 11:42 (UTC)
24 June 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With the Gulf of Mexico oil spill now in its third month with no resolution in sight, the White House is readying a completely new sales pitch. Recent Cabinet meetings have centered on the theme of job creation.
President Obama has portrayed all his initiatives as creating jobs (sometimes "creating or saving" jobs, which one measures by comparison to that fantasy America where Bush is halfway through his third term). Even the trillion-dollar Stimulus Package--if you look at where the money went, and don't look at where it came from. The Obama campaign web site documented the creation of jobs, everywhere from the 29th Congressional District of New Hampshire to the 0th district of California.
The President is now set to tell the American people how new jobs measuring the spill, mapping the spill, ensuring that no man-made additives are introduced to break up the spill, and processing claims of victimhood because of the spill, will spur employment and lead America out of the recession. A White House advisor, speaking off-the-record, was giddy about the cancellation of permits already granted to dredge sand into barriers. "This decision doubles the staffing level of the permit-application industry," the aide boasted.
Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis, who recently announced the government's vigilance on lawful pay for unlawful workers, said that workers displaced by the spill will be handsomely rewarded from the $20 billion fund the President recently voluntarily negotiated, willingly, from BP. She said some victims will have both their payment and new jobs. For example, Captain Horace Dauterive, who we reported yesterday was now guiding petro-tourists to promising patches of ocean in which to catch lucrative tar balls, was fully compensated for the failure of his shrimping business. "Some of these new jobs, unfortunately, will be under the table," Ms. Solis admitted, "but, happily, they will all lead to payment of new taxes, as most of the Gulf states have a sales tax."
The big payoff, according to White House strategist Rahm Emanuel: If the Administration continues to fail either to stop the leak or to permit anyone else to do so, it can be cited during the upcoming election campaign as the President's "continuing commitment to job creation."
But the White House was displeased over a federal court's rejection of the executive order shutting down deep-water drilling for six months. "This was our biggest job-creation push of all," said Ms. Solis. "Those oil men could have gotten temporary jobs in the Department of the Interior, in which they could have spent all day denying themselves permits to take action."
The internal debate has put focus on the time spent managing public perception of Mr. Obama. For example, in the discussions about General Stanley McChrystal, one faction told the President he had to fire the General to avoid looking weak, while another faction worried that the public would think Obama would choose a worse replacement out of worry over perception. Thus the Administration plans to create a cabinet-level office of Secretary of Symbolism. This office was last filled under President Jimmy Carter.
And what is the opposition party saying? As reported, Rep. Joe Barton is not saying anything, probably because of a visible growth in the neck area widely thought to be a tennis ball rammed down his throat by the minority leader. The party did address the spill, however, during its weekly radio/Internet/citizens-band response, the American institution where the opposition never actually responds at all but talks past the President. Very famous Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi criticized Mr. Obama as slow and ineffective. It is not clear whether Sen. Wicker was proposing his own party's last period of control as a benchmark. Bush might not have been this bad, but he was, famously, bad. In other words, with a general election in four months, the opposition strategy is to make the nation feel good about the days of Hurricane Katrina. Just brilliant.
- Stephen Ohlemacher "Stymied by GOP, Democrats at loss on jobs agenda". Associated Press, June 25, 2010