UnNews:Obama to remove and recycle caps lock keys in all computers
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3 December 2008
Washington, D.C. - At the press conference proclaiming Bill Richardson as Barack Obama's nominee for Secretary of Commerce, the New Mexico governor announced the intention of the president-elect to start a groundbreaking new healthcare program.
A well-recognized computer technology afficionado, Barack Obama had simultaneously spread the announcement live from the podium on his Blackberry. It is to be the last such usage by Senator Obama of the device. He will be restricted from using it in the future by aides as a security precaution.
"We believe that we can save up to 5% on healthcare costs for children of employed laborers," began Richardson, pounding on the podium to punctuate each word. He then did so three more times because he enjoyed it. "By removing the 'caps lock' keys from computer keyboards and recycling the plastic to be used as 'cap locks' on child-proof medicine bottles."
The remark was immediately criticized as socialist in nature by Republican politicians, the most prominent of which was House Minority Leader John Boehner. Replied Rep. Boehner via e-mail, "I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! I WON'T, I WON'T, I WON'T!1111 [sic]"
Attorney General nominee Eric Holder believes that the Supreme Court rulings regarding eminent domain apply to areas of land down to about two square inches in size. He explains that his finding stems from ambiguity regarding the unit that the majority opinion in Walter v. United States (1982) had specified.
"The Secretary of Health and Human Services and the Department of Labor and the Department of Commerce to make this historical program a reality for Americans for years to come," Richardson finished. The nominees for said positions have yet to be announced. The decision is absolutely without precedent in American history, only excepting the implementation of the caps lock by Richard M. Nixon. According to a recently uncovered audio tape, he foresaw the rise of the personal computer and used it as an opportunity. "I simply can't shout it loudly enough. The establishment is the enemy. The academic elites are the enemy. The press is the enemy. I want this shouted so loudly that it will take over 200 million Americans to do it for me."