11 August 2012
GREAT PLAINS, USA – According to experts, the fruited plain isn't fruited any longer. A protracted drought has ruined corn and other crops across the
Great Not-So-Great Plains, prompting the Obama administration to declare half the counties in the United States “national disaster areas,” an identification that should unleash a flood of federal funds.
He has signed an executive order that authorizes the National Guard to “spend whatever is necessary” to train its troops to conduct “ceremonial rain dances,” the president revealed, proclaiming that he, 'as commander-in-chief, will lead.” He has ordered a replica of an authentic shaman's “rain dance costume,” which, his wife, First Lady Michelle Obama, says, “makes him look even fruitier than he normally does.”
Some say (i. e., Mitt Romney and his running mate, Paul Ryan) that the drought is payback from God for Obama's “promotion of the gay lifestyle.” (Obama came out as a practicing homosexual a few weeks ago, in support of the gay agenda, which is important to his constituency. However, Romney, like Obama, has also called for the inclusion of gay youth in the Boy Scouts, and has called for the feminization of the organization's members.)
“That's absurd,” Obama countered. “God loves gays. Anybody who'd read the Bible, which is purported to be God's Word, knows how favorably God looked upon the gay cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. He sent his angels to visit these cities of the plain, just as I am visiting the cities of our
Great Not-So-Great Plains."
(A dowser, for those who live in the 21st century and may not know better, is a person who uses a forked stick to locate water, in the presence of which, the stick allegedly dips or thrashes around in the dowser's hand, as if he has been seized my an orgasm. Obama's dowsers will aim their rods—their dowser's sticks, not their dicks—at clouds, to detect whether they contain water; if so, the rain dancers will "perform with one another, hoping to make it 'rain.'")
“The whole program is ridiculous,” Romney said, of the president's response to the drought.
“At least I have a plan,” the president said, in response to Romney's criticism. “I also have a Plan B: if dowsing and rain dancing don't work, I plan to sign an executive order declaring it the responsibility of every American, male or female, rich or poor, black or white, young or old, to urinate on the fields and pastures across the fruited plain.” Urine, the president's science advisor, a practicing urologist, advised him, “is mostly recycled water.”
“As recycled water, urine is also eco-friendly,” the president said. “It constitutes graywater, which is Green.”
Obama has also indicated that he will use the drought as an
excuse reason to urge Congress to pass another “stimulus package,” this one designed to stimulate rain. “One should never let a crisis go to waste, and we won't, not on my watch. If we pour enough funds into the project, we think we can prime the pump, and generate some real-world, real-time precipitation,” he explained. “We will extend the Washington leaks nationwide.”