Obama to be last US President
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 18, 2018, 12:03:UTC)(
20 January 2016
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Political analysts here believe that Barack Obama will be the final U.S. President, as the only conclusion emerging from polls is that an overwhelming majority will not vote for their party's nominee.
The discord in the Republican Party has been on display for weeks. Party Chairman Reince Priebus [sic] has proposed, in the case that Donald Trump or Ted Cruz wins the primaries with less than 50%, to have a "brokered convention" nominate a candidate without any annoying ideas the rank-and-file might have to defend. In 2012, supporters of Mitt Romney snuck in a change to Rule 40 to muzzle those for Ron Paul, enabling Mr. Romney to lose the election to debate "moderator" Candy Crowley all by himself. Under the Constitution, that defeat left Mr. Obama in office. Rule 40 could be used to keep the convention from moving the name of either Mr. Trump or Mr. Cruz. State laws that compel the vote of delegates on the first ballot would be neatly bypassed if the ballot were blank.
Mr. Trump has attracted millions of loyal Republicans to say they will not vote if he is the nominee — though not outnumbering his base, who are not Republicans and do not vote. Mr. Cruz, according to Mr. Trump, is a man whom "nobody likes," notably Mitch McConnell and Mr. Obama, case closed. Ben Carson placed his campaign in mourning for the death of a campaign aide in Iowa, as it would be silly to mourn over his equally dead poll numbers, while Carly Fiorina is suffering voter fatigue at her signature call for zero-based-budgeting — that is, that we scrap all the numbers and start over with the same grubby hands in the same cloakrooms.
That leaves the reach-across-the-aisle Republicans, who have to convince voters that reaching across to Democrats is better than just cutting out the middle-man and electing one. Meanwhile, as Mr. Trump calls Mr. Cruz "unlikeable," Jeb Bush is burning $130 million to claim that the other Governors are "not really conservative" — which proves that the nomination will not be decided on irony.
Mitt Romney, by all accounts, is "tanned, rested, and ready" — a phrase originally applied to Richard Nixon, who is now even more rested and could be the nominee of this forgetful nation. Ann Coulter, who has Romney videos at bedside, pines for him to be selected by a process not involving America's voters — a decisive 4 million of whom, having even held their noses and voted for McCain/Palin, spent Mr. Romney's big day in 2012 pushing a leaf-blower rather than going to the firehouse.
Now comes word from the Democratic Party that an overwhelming number of voters, asked to choose between a flaming socialist and a crooked elderly woman who will have to wear an FBI ankle bracelet "on the stump," will also spend Election Day learning Spanish or something.
The usual websites have emerged appealing for donations by claiming that the incumbent is so lawless as to not step down when his term ends, one year from today. However, this time, the number of people who can't stand Mr. Obama is precisely matched by the number of people who can't stand anyone else either. America without a 45th President would be run by Congress, which has a towering 12% favorability rating, or by NBC and the East-coast newspapers. And the loot would keep on flowing, and everyone is for that.
- Kelly Riddell "Democrats fear Sanders’ supporters won’t back Clinton if she wins nomination". Washington Times, January 19, 2016
- David Catanese "Overlooked RNC rule that could wreak havoc on the 2016 primary". U.S. News and World Report, March 11, 2014