UnNews:Obama to award DA Thomas Spota
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
7 June 2009
HAUPPAGE, N.Y. - President Obama is to be awarding Suffolk County District Attorney Thomas Spota the Medal of Freedom, the highest award that can be bestowed upon a civilian. And few are more deserving the Spota, the DA who ended all crime in this county of more then a million people.
As little as five years ago, the Census figures for the year 2004 showed a grim tale for this county of over 1,000,000. 1,728 Aggravated Assaults, 4,305 Burglaries, 131 Forcible Rapes, 958 Robberies, 28 Murders - and over 24,000 more larcenies, thefts and auto thefts.
But all that's changed. Now this quiet hamlet is so peaceful that DA Spota has been hard pressed to find anything for Law Enforcement to do. So he started cleaning up the crimes that he hadn't the manpower for before. That's when Mohammad Sohail came to his attention.
Mohammad "Mo" Sohail was a local convenient store owner who was best known for the time when someone tried to rob him with a bat, and Mo first stopped him with his rifle, but then instead of shooting him or having him arrested, gave him $40 and some bread in response to the would-be criminal's pleas for mercy.
But "Mo" was no stranger to the law. At wit's end to find a use for all the police that were sitting idle in this crime free zone, DA Thomas Spota had had them out and about on big-time undercover missions. Missions to determime whether "one hit tobacco pipes" and "tobacco bongs" were being sold for things other then tobacco.
Given the availability of the manpower he had, Spota was able to take his time and build his case properly. On no less then three occasions he had undercover agents in the store, purchasing the quite legal pipes, but saying the key phrase, "This will be great for my weed!", for you see, the law forbids selling the pipes if the seller knows they will be misused for drugs.
In spite of repeated warnings, this 62 year old scofflaw Mo just kept on selling one hit tobacco pipes, even when buyers were making drug references in slang. So Mo, who thought he was immune to the long arm of the law, found himself facing fines of up to $30,000.
"Did he think we weren't serious?", said Spota, the man who cleaned all crime out of Suffolk County. "Hell, do you know how many officers it takes on the street and detectives behind a desk to deter just one rape? And we used to have over 125 a year! I wouldn't have used all these undercover agents over and over again at his store and a dozen others, if this wasn't a problem I was serious about."
Fortunately, in Suffolk County, New York, and thanks to Spota, there are no more rapes. At all. Or any other crime of violence or crime against property. At all. Giving him the resources to focus on Mo.
Hence Obama's recognition of this fine American, in a ceremony to be broadcast from the Rose Garden tomorrow. "Spota exemplifies Law and Order at it's finest", said the President. "Which is why we're also awarding him the 'Jack McCoy Lifetime Achievement' Award for his unceasing efforts to keep Suffolk County not only crime-free, but one-hit-tobacco-pipe free."
Mohammed "Mo" Sohail was unavailable for comment, being busy determining where he and his family will go, given that his den of criminality will need to be shut down in his upcoming bankruptcy. As this criminal has related earlier, he does not have the money for the fine.
- ROB HOELL "'Compassionate' Store Owner Busted For Drug Paraphernalia". WPIX/11, June 4, 2009