UnNews:Obama takes credit for Oil Spill failure
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Obama takes credit for Oil Spill failure
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 24, 2016, 10:28:UTC)(
28 May 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, President Obama stated that the U.S. government, not BP, is in charge of the cleanup process. He took responsibility for both the successes and failures--although, to date, there have been no successes. Mr. Obama acknowledged that the government does not have appropriate "assets" to seal the leak, but does have organizational expertise. In other words: "We are the best at bossing people around."
Mr. Obama thus took credit for the zaniest of ideas:
- Put a dome over the leak
- Pump mud into the pipe
- Shoot golf balls and tires into the pipeline
- Slap a six-month ban on deep-water exploration...so nothing can go wrong.
However, Mr. Obama did not pick up on suggestions of a nuclear blast on the wellhead, as he finds use of weaponry distasteful. Nor did he endorse local officials' call to short-cut the EPA permitting process to try innovations; that would interfere with the important work of members of a powerful union.
In a press conference in the East Room of the White House, the Commander-in-Chief apologized to the nation for the way the crisis has dragged on for five weeks. "Sorry about that, guys. My forté is job creation...and health care."