UnNews:Obama suspected in Captain America assassination
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Obama suspected in Captain America assassination
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 12:39:UTC)(
8 March 2007
NEW YORK (UnNews) - Captain America, the red, white and blue, fascist-fighting superhero, has died at the age of 89, shot dead Wednesday in New York apparently by Democratic presidential candidate and sniper, Barack Obama.
Few details are clear at this time, but the scene outside the Federal Courthouse in Manhattan is a portrait of chaos and confusion. Authorities are currently seeking the wherabouts of Obama, who has been known to associate with former President Bill Clinton and his annoying wife. Already a large shrine has been constucted at the courthouse by fans and well-wishers who have no lives of their own.
Captain America was actually Steve Rogers, born on US Independence Day, July 4, 1917. He was a failed soldier in 1941, lacking any superpowers, and somewhat ill-equipped to battle evil next to counterparts like the alien visitor, Superman. However, thanks to an injection of an experimental and highly toxic "Super Soldier" treatment, he gained superior strength, speed, and jingoism.
Draped in the American flag, a giant "A" on his mask and a shield that handily doubled as a discus, Captain America was part of the US war effort, and called into service just months before the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.
He actually punched Adolf Hitler in the fuckin face shortly after the United States joined World War II. But after the war, he soon faded in popularity due to his fierce anti-Stalin rhetoric, and retired in 1950 before returning in the 1960s. America died after more than 65 years fighting villains of all kinds.
Joe Simon, a demented friend of Roger's a little older than Captain America at 93, told the New York Daily News he was saddened by his friend's demise. "It's a hell of a time for him to go, with Hitler's clones running wild and space creatures threatening to impregnate our Earth women. We really need him now," he said.