UnNews:Obama selects cabinet, still undecided on bookshelf and coffee table
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23 November 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- As part of his transition to the White House, newly elected president Barack Obama has had a number of difficult decisions to make. One of the decisions Obama has faced is the type of furniture to buy for his new home. In past administrations, the selection of presidential furniture has not received much media attention, probably because it's a rather trivial thing to write a news report about. But Obama's choices of furniture have been closely scrutinized.
Obama took several weeks to decide on what type of cabinet to buy for a small dining room off the oval office. He considered several choices, including a mahogany display cabinet, perfect for displaying small figurines and dolls, and a kitchen cabinet that would have stored spices magnificently. In the end, he decided on the same cabinet in which Bill Clinton stored the disembodied brains of his political opponents during HIS presidency.
Major controversy has arisen from Obama's decision to pick a cabinet that has already been used by a president. "If you use the same furniture as somebody else, you've clearly endorsed their viewpoints," says Conservative journalist Bill O'Reilly. "Obama's decision to pick the same cabinet as Clinton clearly demonstrates that he's never going to change anything. Ever. His entire presidency is a failure. He could be president until the end of the world, but nothing he did could ever redeem him from the choice he made today."
Obama has not yet decided on any of the other many items of furniture that will be in his White House. Obama's close friend and spokesman, Ralph 'I'm not a terrorist, a black supremacist, a radical, or Satan' Jones says: "The president-elect is trying to decide on a kitchen sink today. He is considering a kitchen sink owned by Hillary Clinton in the early '90s. According to Miss Clinton, it was the sink she always used for shaving, and it never let her down. However, Mr. Obama is uncertain, because he has been very attached to another sink he has had since childhood. After choosing a sink, the president-elect will be heading to a local bargain furniture store, to consider various bookshelves and coffee tables."
Obama was reportedly inspired by Abraham Lincoln's choices to buy furniture from his political enemies and to deliberately buy ugly furniture that didn't match the wallpaper. "Mr. Lincoln chose to buy a variety of furniture, including a hideous maroon armchair that clashed with the carpet and the curtains," said Obama in a recent press conference, "This meant that Lincoln had a variety of furniture which enabled him to see things from alternative perspectives. I read a book about the subject, called Lincoln's Choices: An Analysis of the Aesthetics of Abraham Lincoln's Furniture which I'd highly recommend. It's not nearly as boring as it sounds." At this point, Obama's voice was drowned out by the ecstatic moaning of the journalists and media employees who were masturbating to everything he said.
Liberals have been quick to defend Obama's choice of a cabinet that's already been used by another president. They argue that it means that Obama has clearly picked a trustworthy and competent piece of furniture. They also point out the contrast between Obama's choices and those of the preceding president. Bush picked his furniture over the course of eight seconds, and the majority of tables and chairs he bought for the white house were moldy, decomposing, broken, or on fire. Bush, however, insisted that he had to "Stay the course" on his decision, even as the chair he was sitting in collapsed beneath him and splinters filled his ass.
"Whatever brand of sofa Obama chooses to buy, America will be watching," says Bill O'Really, "And I'd like the records to show that I predict that Obama will make a bunch of crappy decisions for furniture."