UnNews:Obama sanctions Russians
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Obama sanctions Russians
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 03:43:UTC)(
31 December 2016
Obama was responding to CIA proof that Russians hacked the election. The CIA did not see Boris Badenov abscond with any actual boxes of ballots; however, it did conclude that it was Russians who induced Hillary Clinton consigliere John Podesta to change his Gmail password by typing the new one into
YourSecretsProtected.ru. Podesta chose the password
cankles and, from that point on, correspondence about the use of BitBleach on Hillary's secret Department of State email server, getting tipped off on the debate questions, dirty tricks at Donald Trump rallies, and pay-to-play at the Clinton Family Tip Jar became public knowledge, whereas the Federal Election Commission states that the Russians were duty-bound to help Hillary keep covering it up at least through the election.
Obama stressed that, if the denial of Cheesy Tacos coupons doesn't "send a message," he would be forced into harsher measures, such as using spray paint to draw a "red line" in front of the White House and daring those ol' Rooskies to step across.
The neat role reversal from four years ago, when Obama scolded Mitt Romney for calling Russia the biggest defense problem and Hillary assured Vladimir Putin that bygones were bygones, is seen as a normal turn of events for the time between Christmas and New Year's Day, when there is never any real news.
At last report, Alfred Nobel has not asked for the return of his 2009 Peace Prize, because he is safely underground, surely in a bomb shelter.
- David Jackson "Obama sanctions Russian officials over election hacking". USA Today, December 29, 2016