UnNews:Obama rewards terrorists
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Obama rewards terrorists
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 03:25:UTC)(
14 June 2009
PALAU, South Pacific -- Speaking from this tiny resort island and American protectorate, President Obama unveiled his latest plan to fight terrorism: reward it. This plan, wherein Gitmo Bay detainees will be 'exiled' to an island paradise for the rest of their lives, has drawn some protest.
"I lost my job, my house was foreclosed on, and my wife and kids left me. And these guys get to sip daqueries on the beach all day? What building do I have to fly into to get that deal?", said Joe Sixpack. Rush Limbaugh, the leader of the GOP, agrees. "It's just another outrageous liberal program to coddle criminals. It just shows Osama's - I mean Obama's - true colors! He is the foreign born Islamic jihadist that I warned you of!"
Populist left wing commentator and long time Limbaugh foe Keith Olbermann responded, "For once I'd have to agree with that disgustingly fat bag of hate-filled lard. It seems a bit over the top to reward terrorism with trips to sun drenched beaches in a perfect tropical climate with hundreds of bikini models prancing about. I mean, the bail out of the mega rich while average Americans lost their homes was one thing, but now our taxes are renting cabanas for crazies? WTF?"
On the other hand, Khalid Abdul Mohammed, a seven year detainee, said, "From waterboard to surf board! Only in America! Praise be to Obama!"
President Obama defended his plan. He pointed out that while the terrorist's leadership promised them paradise for their evil attacks on America, including 71 virgins, that the promise was never kept. But by America providing terrorists with paradise, the terrorists can see that we are the good guys.
A small child with Down's Syndrome, recently recovered from his prefontal lobotomy, interupted the President to point out the obvious. "But...uh...won't de othuh terr-terr-terruh...bad guys...want dis too? Won't they kill more now to get it?" Jumping in after the child stuttered to a halt, Koko the Gorilla rapidly signed, "Give Bad Man Banana, More Bad Man Come Quick, Koko Be Bad Girl For Banana", before flinging some of her feces at the President.
President Obama, after wiping off his face, pointed out that this was still a 'work in progress'. "We're not wedded to Palau, necessarily, we'd like to be responsive to the wishes of the common man, as well as mad dog terrorist killers. We're already trying to send some to the Bahamas instead, if that helps you all."
If this reporter is any judge of the crowd of the dispossessed, laid off, down-sized, foreclosed upon and tax burdened Americans...it did not.