UnNews:Obama puts (most) proprietary schools off limits to veterans
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
1 May 2012
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama has put military men and women off limits to predatory for-profit colleges that have traditionally preyed upon the weak and stupid, including veterans of the U. S. Army, the U. S. Air Force, the U. S. Navy, the U. S. Marine Corps, and the U. S. Coast Guard. “Somebody has to stand up for our troops,” the president said. “It's immoral to target people simply because they are not the best or brightest among us, especially when many have been maimed, or even killed, to protect the rest of us cowards.”
Unscrupulous schools have gone as far as enrolling bodies of veterans returning from the Middle East, even before they have had time to allow others to pay their respects to them in funeral parlors or celebrate their return in world-class veterans hospitals, such as Walter Reed, where Obama recently had his prostate gland checked for free. “That's one of the perks I enjoy most as the commander in chief,” the commander in chief told reporters.
A proprietary school also enrolled a Marine's left arm, from just below the elbow, because, the school's dean of education confirmed, “That's all there was left of him.” The arm is studying graphic arts, which was its owner's dream.
The president signed an executive order putting soldiers sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard veterans off limits to over 100 proprietary colleges. “It's a bold move,” one soldier-student said. “I only wish the president had done this three years ago. If he had, I wouldn't be saddled with an $80,000 debt today for a half semester of courses in Taffy Pull, Basket Weaving, and Tiddly-Wink Strategies."
“The president should have signed an executive order prohibiting these schools altogether,” Sid Sheldon, a victimized sailor who wants to remain anonymous, declared. “It's not right that anyone, military or civilian, should be robbed by these so-called schools. Obama doesn't seem to care about people who don't wear one of the country's service uniforms, though.”
The president's critics say that Obama is merely politicizing the issue. The government has known about predatory proprietary schools and their amoral—and, often immoral—conduct for years and have let these schools fleece Americans, both military and civilian, all this time. “It's only now, in an election year, that the president seems to be offended by this horrific trend.”
A graduate of Harvard Law School, Obama claims he was unaware of the abuses of for-profit colleges. “I guess I must be naive,” he said. “I have never let my alma mater stand in my way, any more than I would the lack of a birth certificate or the reputation and wisdom of my mentor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Civilians—especially the white ones--can fend for themselves.” However, Obama is concerned only with military veterans, “including white ones,” because, he says, his administration has determined that military veterans of all ages and races vote, while half of civilians do not exercise this most basic of all rights.
Any person who defies Obama's executive order will be compelled to enroll in a for-profit school for a period of not less than half, nor more than twice, the veteran's original enlistment, which is at least four years.