UnNews:Obama proposes repealing the 13th amendment
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Obama proposes repealing the 13th amendment
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, December 8, 2016, 08:04:UTC)(
15 June 2009
Gettysburg, Pa - Speaking from the battlefield of America's bloodiest conflict, President Barack Obama unveiled his new plan for job security and economic reform that has some concerned. His proposal, backed by recently bailed out business leaders, calls for the repeal of the 13th amendment that forbids slavery.
"Just as only Nixon could go to China, so only could Obama propose this!", said James Taggart, CEO of Taggart Transcontinental. "I think his proposal is great. It will give workers some much needed security!"
Taggart is referring to Directive 10-289, a measure hailed by a variety of business, art and science interests as "needed" in these dark times. The Directive's provision of attaching all workers to their jobs has some up in arms, citing the over-a-century-old 13th Amendment.
"Hey, it's not like we haven't repealed amendments before, when they haven't worked out", said Eugene Lawson of the Department of Commerce. "This plan is necessary; the people need it. Need, not greed; that's my motto."
Justice Sotomayor, who is expected to be appointed to the Supreme Court, said, "The Constitution is whatever we say it is...uh, is this mike on? Shit. *ahem* I believe that Directive 10-289 is well within the meaning of the interstate commerce clause as intended by our Founders. I also believe that while the 13th amendment may have had its time, we've progressed beyond the need for it. We have a living Constitution. In fact, I intend to rule that the 13th amendment is in itself unconstitutional!"
Mr. Mowen of the Amalgamated Switch Company, and recipient of $2.2 billion in bailout money said, "Hell, the 13th has been overlooked all along. You think I voluntarily went over to Nam? If that wasn't 'involuntary servitude', what was? Repeal it, as it sure ain't doing us any good anyway."
Some of the little people on the street don't seem to be buying it. Gwen Ives, a secretary at a steel plant that has been suffering labor unrest, said, "I love my boss - more than he knows - but I don't want to be a slave...At least not in public. I want to be free to leave, even if I never do."
But others are in favor of it, especially the currently unemployed, who in their new role of "slave" will have job security for the first time. "He didn't build those mills alone, did he? I just need a chance! No one's ever given me a chance till Obama!", said Philip Rearden, who was denied a factory position by the factory owner just for being unqualified.
In the wake of popular discontent, President Obama has said he may phase in Directive 10-289 gradually. "A mandatory program of community service, under the guise of AmeriCorp has already been quietly introduced. When passed, that program will get the young used to it, and quell the reactionary opposition.", he said. "Maybe it will not be me who repeals the destructive 13th amendment forbidding mandatory service to assist the elderly, vets, kittens in trees and disadvantaged ghetto kids. But I can see that America at least takes one more step to that goal."
- Staff "H.R. 1444, The Congressional Commission on Civic Service Act". WashingtonWatch.com, April 24, 2009