UnNews:Obama proposes monetization of peas to pay off national debt
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12 July 2011
WASHINGTON, DC -- With the nation heading towards a possible default on August 2nd, and the latest round of bilateral negotiations going nowhere, President Barack Obama today made a radical new proposal for reducing the national debt. After a marathon meeting with Congressional leaders, the President emerged without a deal, but vowed to start from scratch by outlining a brand new budgetary tactic. "We will monetize peas, and use it to pay off our creditors," Obama boldly stated. "Stay with me here," he reassured his stunned audience, "it all makes sense - trust me."
He went on to detail how the government's monetary powers allow it to create fiat money out of anything, and that after all the US Dollar hasn't been backed by any tangible assets ever since the gold standard was abolished under the Nixon administration. Obama's plan calls for a peas-based economy, in which each individual pea is pegged to the dollar at a fixed rate, which will gradually be able to float on the market within a tight range, "much like the Chinese do with their currency." Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack joined the President at the podium and revealed that the nation's pea supply and production would allow us to cover the deficit even if the vegetable is monetized at a measly thousand dollars per pea. "We will pack the peas in crates and ship it off to China, effectively erasing our debt to that country - it's that simple," he explained.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner later explained to reporters how the new pea-based economy would seamlessly be integrated into the bond market. "Effective immediately, treasury bonds would be redeemable only for peas, allowing the savvy investor to automatically expose himself into the commodities market. We would even provide free refrigerated storage to guarantee the freshness of the peas," he added. The Secretary then went on to describe how existing gold vaults at Fort Knox and New York would be replaced with "rows and rows of freezers" to safely store the nation's treasured vegetable assets. "And who knows, maybe one day we will want to monetize tomatoes; or even brussel sprouts."
"The beauty of this plan," commented Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, "is that there would be no need to raise taxes, thus satisfying Republicans, and also no need to cut Medicare, thus satisfying Democrats. In fact, medicare would be supplemented by natural pea-based treatments - I hear split-pea soup is quite healthy." The chairman did not comment on how the plan would affect interest rates, explaining that he "lost control" of how those work long ago.
Political analysts say the plan is "so innovative" that it might appease both sides of the aisle and has a good chance to pass before the anticipated August 2nd default. "And with this bill passed," explained one analyst, "there would no longer be a need to raise the debt ceiling, as the treasury would be able to freely borrow peas, which are not covered by the statutory ceiling."