This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
7 November 2012
President Barack Obama celebrated his victory over Mitt Romney in the 2012 USA election with a promise to 'fix America real good' following his re-election. Mr President Cool was in a good mood as he bounced on stage with wife Michelle Obama and his children and Vice President Joe Biden.
Speaking to fans following the news of his success, Obama celebrated with a characteristic windy speech in the Windy City.
"We have saved Sesame Street for another four years. Public Broadcasting will now become America's BBC but without the Paedophiles. The Muppets spoke. Now I have a mountain of debt to climb and chip away from the summit downwards. It was done in the Sound of Music, now we can do the same. God Bless America...and thanks again to you Sandy...you showed that Big Government can do Big Things in a Big disaster. That's very Big of you!"
The defeated Republican Party candidate Mitt Romney is said to be bitter and shocked that he lost this year. Rumours that his famous 'Mormon Magic Pants' had been made in China had damaged him a lot were denied by a close political aide. Romney will now retire from public life and count how many grand children he has now. The Republican Party has promised to defend the Constitution, stop Communism and locate a new 'President-in-Waiting' once the Tea Party disband and go back to their padded rooms.
Former Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan issued this message to encourage Republicans not to go to the bathroom and open their veins:
"Obama may have won as President but the GOP remains the elephant in the floor and in the committee rooms. A socially conservative pachyderm, ready to trumpet your rights and go on a stampede if Obama tramples all over what made America great. Vote for me in 2016. "