UnNews:Obama plays the race card (and the gender card and the gay card)
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Obama plays the race card (and the gender card and the gay card)
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 2, 2015, 04:44:UTC)(
11 June 2012
WASHINGTON, DC – According to the results of a survey paid for personally by President Barack Obama, “about half the country is both racist and homophobic.” The president paid for the survey in an effort to determine, “once and for all,” whether racial bias and prejudice concerning his sexual orientation—Obama recently came out as
fag homosexual on national television—play a part in how Americans vote. The result of the survey suggests that “Republicans do,” Obama said.
His survey showed that Democrats are not swayed one way or the other by race or sexual preference, the president said. “The jackass party is multiracial and bisexual, just like me,” he said, “except that I'm not bisexual; I'm gay all the way.”
With the presidential election looming, Obama decided “it was a good time to explore this issue.” He was happy, “in the interests of science, fairness, and human decency,” to pay for the survey with the proceedings from selling his Nobel Peace Prize on E-Bay.
“It's relevant if you're seeking re-election as a gay black man,” Obama assured the reporter.
The survey also uncovered “rampant sexism” among “chauvinistic Republicans,” he declared.
He said that his survey also proves that Republicans hate women. “They Googled the 'C'-word almost as frequently as they did the 'N'-word,” Obama said. The sites they visited, “more or less routinely,” Obama added, “return scandalous, slanderous material about African-Americans, women, gays, and jackasses in general.”
The president himself was targeted in online searches related to racial bias. “Often my name comes up in association with derogatory racial epithets.”
He believes that “key Republicans” are behind the massive “campaign of hatred.” “It's a conspiracy of honky pigs,” he proclaimed. Asked if he was willing to “name names,” the president said, “They're footnoted in the survey.” However, a check of the document by Unnews reporters show that the only names footnoted in the survey are those of the president and his campaign guru, David Axelrod.
If the country is divided into red states (Republican) and blue states (Democrats), it's easy to see where the “haters” reside, Obama said. According to his survey, “the loons all live in the red states.”
The president said that “racial bigotry and homophobia, not my record of accomplishments as the nation's first African-American president, could cost me the election in November.”
He said that he is willing to pay, out of his own pocket, “as many blacks, women, and gays as go to the polls” to “offset” the racism, sexism, and homophobia of the “party of hate” that is opposed to him, motherhood, apple pie, and all things wonderful and good.