UnNews:Obama pardons crack dealers
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Obama pardons crack dealers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 09:57:UTC)(
20 December 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama is pardoning hundreds of crack cocaine dealers as a Christmas present this holiday season. Sources inside the White House say the President has decided to pardon the drug dealers as a gesture of goodwill during the most joyful season of the year. Aides close to the President say that he feels bad for anyone who has to be in jail during the Yuletide season, and that he is simply trying to spread cheer.
Of those being pardoned, all are of minority races, including Reynolds Allen Wintersmith Jr., who is a cousin of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, a long-time political supporter of President Obama. The Obama Administration denies that the move has anything to do with the wild frat party attended by Obama and Patrick on December 2nd, at which time Obama got wasted off his can and reportedly made several bets with the Governor, all of which he lost.
The move has raised eyebrows among political opponents of Obama, who see the action as a way of pandering for donations from Mexican drug cartels, and other inner city drug king-pins who, according to some analysts, are having trouble finding good help at a time when nearly every youth stupid enough to begin a career in illegal narcotics distribution is too busy playing Minecraft to be bothered. Others claim it is a political favor for those who helped Obama win the 2012 elections in several key election districts, many of which saw voter turnouts of over 130%.
These charges are being cast aside by the Administration as political mud-slinging by haters. Said one White House aide, "We will not be dragged into a political battle over our President's noble gesture of Yuletide goodwill. He has only done this out of the goodness of his heart for poor little 'Tiny Tims' who never had a chance at life and were forced into drug dealing. We only want to help where we can."
However, the Administration spokesperson appeared to have a difficult time conveying that the action was simply a Christmas present to the disadvantaged, because the Administration has a standing policy against using the term 'Christmas' due to its political incorrectness.