UnNews:Obama orders background checks on all Syrian rebels

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Obama orders background checks on all Syrian rebels

Straight talk, from straight faces

UnNews Logo Potato
Saturday, March 24, 2018, 23:52:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

19 June 2013


Barack HUSSEIN Obama, fascist leader of a dictatorial nation.[1]

Washington, D.C., America -- President Barack Obama signed executive order 173041, ordering background checks on all Syrian rebels.

"If we're going to arm these people, we first need to make sure they are competent, observe the laws of the land, and are mentally stable. We made the mistake of not doing that in Afghanistan in the 1980s," Obama said from his pedestal podium.

The order calls for an immediate background check on all Syrian rebels intending to receive arms from the United States military-industrial complex. The cost to taxpayers will be in excess of $100,000,000,000,000.[2] In addition to mandating background checks, the order mandates that assault weapons are not to be given out, and that all weapons with detachable magazines are limited to magazines that can hold less than seven bullets.

Critics[3] of gun control say the measure doesn't go far enough, and are demanding that Obama sign another executive order that simply bans the rebels from owning guns at all. Meanwhile, Syrian gun rights advocates have asked Obama to sign an executive order allowing them to carry loaded weapons in national parks, as a lot of their day-to-day fighting happens in said parks.

Asked why such a large number of background checks are necessary, Obama said, "We must know who every single one of these Syrian rebels is. If one man falls in combat, we need to know that the guy picking up his gun and continuing the fight will also follow the legitimately created laws of Syria."

Obama has a lot of support from progressives like Barbara Boxer, who said, "If a person cannot shoot and kill, in self-defense, a heavily armed, heavily armored member of the Syrian military utilizing only 7 bullets, then they do not deserve to own a weapon at all."

In a rare move, Vice President Joe Biden denounced the President's actions, stating, "If the Syrian rebels really need to rebel against a tyrannical government that is murdering them in droves with chemical weapons, they only need a double-barrel shotgun. They can just step out to their porch - wearing a gas mask, of course, to protect them from the chemical agents - and fire two warning shots into the air. That should be enough to scare off any would-be government-sponsored murderer, even if they are a battle-hardened soldier. I think..."

Executive order 173041 will go into effect on July 1st, 2013.

  1. Maybe we're confusing him with Saddam Hussein?
  2. AKA the amount that Obama's Africa vacation will cost.
  3. The Syrian government.
Personal tools