UnNews:Obama on NSA Phone Tapping: Most of you need to call your mothers more often

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 We distort, you deride

6 June 2013

Obama8

President Obama is one of the many men in this country that doesn't call his mother on a regular basis.

WASHINGTON -- The Obama administration is defending its government program of secret seizing millions of domestic telephone records from Verizon[1], saying the data program “is critical tool in protecting the nation from terrorist threats to the United States and uncovering who needs to call their moms more often, which is paramount to our nation's happiness.

A senior administration official released a statement Thursday after the British newspaper The Guardian first reported the secret operation. The paper posted on its website a classified court order that requires the Verizon to turn over daily records with the length, location and time of phone calls, as well as the phone numbers involved in the calls.

The information acquired does not include the content of any communications, but we kinda know what the content is if the outgoing call is to 1-900-HOT-4YOU,” the official said. “This order relates exclusively to metadata, such as a telephone number or the length of a call. Most calls to 1-900-HOT-4YOU last an average of 5 minutes before abruptly ending in a way that most would assume is prematurely.

The official said telephone dataallows counter-terrorism personnel to discover if suspected terrorists have been in contact with other persons and whether or not they've been keeping up with their weekly phone calls to their mothers.

President Obama himself, in a press conference, reiterated this point, “Terrorists are bad enough, but terrorists who don't call their mothers are just outright bad for this nation. It's certainly one thing to murder a bunch of innocent children with a bomb, but it's another if `YOU NEVER CALL YOUR MOTHER`.

Attorney General Eric Holder could not be personally be reached for comment on this matter[2], but a spokeswoman for his office said that Colleen Renee LaRose, who went by the terrorist handle JihadJane[3] and was arrested in 2010, would likely not have ended up in such a mess did if her kids had just called her more often. “Sometimes a mother just wants a phone call. You know, to let her know that you're okay. Is that too much to ask?

edit Sources

edit Footnotes

  1. Yeah, it's just Verizon. Sure. We believe that.
  2. As it is likely he was busy keeping tabs on UnNews reporters like myself.
  3. Ex-wife of Jihad Joe
Personal tools
projects