|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
2 April 2009
LONDON, United Kingdom -- United States President Barack Obama has been in London this week for the G20 summit, his first visit to Britain in his new job. This being his first visit to the country since his electoral success, he and wife Michelle were honoured with meeting Queen Elizabeth II, as has been the case with all of the twelve presidents except for Lyndon B. Johnson to have held office during her reign. Unfortunately, the meeting did not go according to plan. A maid employed at Buckingham Palace, who wishes to remain anonymous, told UnNews what happened.
"I was working at the Palace early yesterday morning," she explains. "Her Majesty and Prince Philip, being of advanced years, find it very difficult to get out of bed in the morning before they've had a cup of tea." Unlike most elderly couples, however, obtaining one does not involve wrapping up in a dressing gown and rheumatically shuffling to the icy kitchen of their damp and freezing cold council flat, where they have to re-use a teabag they dried overnight due to not being able to afford more because they used up their pitiful pension money to pay a £60 gas bill accumulated over winter in an effort to fend off a hypothermic death. "The Queen has a computerised display in her sleeping chamber which allows her to contact the kitchens and staff from her bed," explains the maid. "Since I was on duty, the task fell down to me. I made two cups of Earl Grey - they prefer Asda's Extra Special range - in bone china cups and took them upstairs on the silver tray which has been traditionally used to convey Royal Beverages to the Monarch's Bedchamber since 1673; it being said that, should the morning tea be carried on anything else, the Empire will fall."
The Queen and her husband are said to still enjoy an active sex life, which has stepped up a gear since Philip bought some cut-price Viagra on the Internet after receiving an advert in his e-mail, and so palace staff are required to knock and wait if the royal couple are behind a closed door. The maid set the tray on a Chippendale sidestand which she tells us is situated by the door for just such a purpose, but before she could knock she heard what she believes to have been the Prince's voice emanate from within. The palace's interior doors are solid oak, considerably stouter than the cardboard front doors most old folks have to rely on to keep burglars and robbers out of their meagre hovels, but she informed us that he seemed to be quite agitated and was speaking very loudly allowing her to be absolutely certain she heard his words correctly. "He was really worked up," says the maid. "I distinctly heard him exclaim, "Godammit Liz! There's a blasted blackamoor in the garden! Where's my gun?" I assume that Her Majesty then joined him at the window because I heard her say, "What a frightfully filthy creature it is! Oh look, it has a lady monkey with it too! It reminds one of the baboons one shot with Daddy in Rhodesia before the natives started getting ideas above their station - how loathesome. Quick, Philip! Telephone the guards and have them release the hounds at once!" I immediately entered the room to ensure that they had not been attacked or robbed."
The palace guard reacted with admirable swiftness, sending a team of armed men into the grounds to search for the invader. Chief Guardsman Captain Utterleigh-Aghast takes up the story. "I can confirm that, at around 9am yesterday, we received a report from the Duke of Edinburgh that he and Her Majesty observed a kaffir male accompanied by a female of similar ethnicity in the grounds of Buckingham Palace," he told UnNews. "A team of guards responded immediately and searched the area, where they spotted the suspect and took action - namely, let trained attack dogs off the leash. The dogs pursued the pair, who despite being bingo-bongos and thus fast runners, were no match for them which led to the golliwogs being apprehended within moments. My men reached them within seconds of the dogs, preventing them from injury, but they surrendered immediately and as a result it was not necessary to shoot them. We then held them at gunpoint until the police arrived."
It was not until after the couple had been taken to a nearby police station that the mistake became apparent. "We get all sorts in 'ere," Chief Constable Lowique of the Metropolitan Police later told reporters, "and this ain't the first time we've 'ad some foreign blackie claiming to be a VIP neither. But after contacting the Yank embassy, we discovered that he was in fact who he claimed he was so we apologised and let 'im go."
Once informed of the error, Her Majesty received the President at Buckingham Palace and the rest of the meeting was straightforward and went off without a hitch. Prince Philip released a statement to the press shortly after the misunderstanding came to light in which he said, "It was an easy bloody mistake. Black as the bloody ace of spades, he was, and all these jigaboos bloody well look the same to me." The Queen declined to comment.
This was not the first embarrassing event during the President's visit - it emerged last night that shortly after arriving in Britain Obama was stopped and questioned by police while travelling from Heathrow Airport to London in an offical embassy limousine. Chief Constable Lowique later said it is standard procedure for officers to investigate any black people seen in possession of cars likely to have a value of more than £5000. Asked if he feared that his comment might be construed as racist he replied, "It is my belief that, in the wake of the Stephen Lawrence enquiry, the British public are confident that there is no racism in the police force."
President Obama has also said nothing, but it is believed that he distributed an order amongst staff instructing them to keep the incident quiet in case Americans realise they have voted a black man into office and call for his impeachment. It is also known that he presented the Queen with a gift of an iPod, which Philip has handed into the police as he fears Obama may have mugged somebody for it.