UnNews:Obama makes controversial staff appointments
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
15 November 2008
THE BLACK HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D. C. -- After promising “change” for two years, President-elect Barack Obama seems to be intent upon reassembling the same administration team that served--and, in one case, serviced--former president Bill Clinton, going so far even to consider Senator Hillary Clinton for the position of secretary of state or, possibly, latrine custodian.
Obama’s first hiring decision resulted in his selection of Jon Poindexter as his chief of staff, a position which Poindexter also held during the Clinton administration. Other Obama appointees also filled duplicate positions during the Clinton years--31 out of 47, in fact, to date.
The president-elect’s selections have raised eyebrows, set tongues to wagging, and set off several other clichés in the nation’s capitol as political insiders and pundits wonder what happened to the president-elect’s promise to bring “change“ to a “broken“ Washington.
“Where’s the change?” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi bellowed.
Her colleague in the senate, Harry Reid, said, “People don’t matter any more than character or values; what’s important is that we have an African-American with ties to homegrown terrorists in the White--excuse me--the Black House.”
Bill Clinton “couldn’t be happier” with Obama’s selections, Rahm Emanuel, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “It’s as close as the Democrats can get to ensuring that Bill has a third term in office, despite term limits, which, in the case of Democrats, shouldn’t apply. In fact, the elimination of such limits on Democratic presidents will be the first issue the president-elect addresses through an exercise of executive privilege once Bush has vacated the premises. He may well be elected more times than FDR.”
Roosevelt was elected to office for four terms and was referred to, supposedly in a joking fashion, as “Your Majesty.” Obama says the title has “a certain ring to it” and he may adopt it as his own, instead of the “more pedestrian ‘Mr. President.’”
Obama says he will “bail out” more and more failed businesses, including the American automobile industry, with tax-payer dollars in order to keep his campaign promise to “spread the wealth around.” Recipients on his “gift list,” sources say, include the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO), Hezbollah, the Taliban, and Al Queda.
Echoing his former pastor Jeremiah Wright, Obama explained his inclusion of “known and suspected terrorists” on his list of financial aid recipients, by suggesting, “We’re all God’s children.” For Israel, “not one red cent” of American money will be provided, Obama further explained, because “it’s high time that the US of KKK stopped favoring certain nations; it’s time to spread the wealth around.”
Perhaps Obama’s most controversial move, concerning his selection of staff, is his choice of Monica Lewinsky as “special assistant to the president.” Asked what her duties will be, Obama said, “She’ll work under me, in the same capacity in which she serviced--I mean, served--former president Bill Clinton.”
Obama’s wife, former NFL linebacker and suspected transsexual, Michelle, is said to have “gone ballistic” over her husband’s announcement. “I be First Lady,” she thundered, “and the Black House ain’t big enough foe me and dat why trash hussy.” Privately, she is said to have expressed fears that her husband’s “mixed-race background” may have made him susceptible to “miscegenation tendencies.” “I doan won no moe liddle picaninnies in mah fam’ly. It enough I be married to one.”
If nothing else, the Obama years promise to be interesting, if a little retro.